[Veritas]

Dramatis Personae:

Criss Angel: Star of the Luxor Hotel
JD Sarantakos: Elder brother of Criss
Costa Sarantakos: Second older brother of Criss
George Strumpolis: Cousin to Sarnatakos brothers
Angela Honi: George Strumpolis's girlfriend
Dimitra Sarantakos: Mother
Dave Baram: Criss' manager
Eliza: Criss Angel's executive assistant
Tom: Criss Angel's personal assistant
Amazing Johnathan (AJ): Rival magician
MindFreak Technician
Assorted Guests, Loyals and MindFreak crew members


ACT I:

Scene 1: The MindFreak Production office reception area. There is a chrome and steel coffee table center stage flanked by two simple couches. Behind is a large plate glass window suitable for viewing from outside. There is a desk with a computer terminal stage right. Eliza is working at the desk while Criss is sitting on the sofa stage right, reading a folded newspaper.

CRISS:

(Reads) Criss Angel brings his outrageous brand of magic to the stage in his production of Believe, a two-hour extravaganza in co-operation with Cirque de Soleil, blah, blah, blah, going far and beyond his television series, yada, yada, yada, and so on and so on. (Lowers paper) Geez! This guy must've slept through it to write something this boring!

ELIZA:

What paper is that from, anyway?

CRISS:

(Looks at banner) The Vegas Review.

ELIZA:

Oh, yeah. It's a local rag. More for tourists than anything.

CRISS:

(Picks up another magazine and flips through it) Let's see what TV Guide has to say about season five. (Reads) 'Criss Angel, A&E's foul-mouthed magician--'(Pauses) "Foul-mouthed"? What the hell are they talking about?

ELIZA:

I think you just answered your own question, there, Criss.

CRISS:

(Pauses thoughtfully) So, okay, I admit it. I use a few four-letter words every now and then, but I don't play blue like AJ. I mean, that guy's always flipping the bird at his audience. Me? I try to control my language, especially on TV, and I've never flipped off anyone on camera--besides AJ, I mean. Besides, they always bleep out the eff-bombs and all that in editing, right?

ELIZA:

(hesitates for a moment, as if afraid to speak)
Well...

CRISS:

Well, what?

ELIZA:

It's just that, well, we received some emails from some viewers--or, rather, some viewers' parents--complaining about your rather salty vocabulary, even if it was bleeped out as you said.

CRISS:

Oh, Geez!

ELIZA:

It's not just you, Criss. There's been some sort of moral backlash against the entertainment industry in general. I mean, you should hear what they had to say about The Simpsons, American Dad, and other prime-time animated programs. You got off pretty lightly compared to them. Even so, they want you to clean up your act and lay off the bleeps, at least.

CRISS:

What do you mean "at least"?

ELIZA:

Well, you know...

CRISS:

No, I don't know.

ELIZA:

They think your pictures of you with no shirt on is...inappropriate for younger viewers.

CRISS:

(Rolls his eyes) How young? Three? Four? Geez! Kids these days see more skin on daytime TV than on my show! I mean, hell, they show commercials about erectile dysfunction and birth control, and they're complaining about my language and me stripping to the waist? These people need to get a life!

(Eliza returns to her PC, embarrassed. Criss rises and goes stage right to desk)

CRISS:

You don't think I'm obscene, do you?

ELIZA:

Me? (Pauses) Well, when you get really mad you can swear up a storm, but that can happen to anybody. Still, there are times when I wish you would watch your language. I mean, I think you're brilliant and talented and all that, and there are children who look up to you, and to hear you talk the way you do sometimes, I think it sets a bad example. Don't think I'm a prude or anything. It's just that, well...you're better than that.

CRISS:

(Leans over desk, smiling) I don't think you're a prude, Eliza. And I do try to watch my language as you say, especially around kids. But, hey, it's just the way I am, you know. I grew up in New York, remember? I've been hearing that kind of language practically all my life. (Laughs) You think my language is "salty"? You should hear some construction workers downtown! I mean, those guys will turn the air dark blue when they're on the job! Hell, I'm practically a saint compared to them! (Glances at clock on desk) Oh, (bleep)! I gotta go! Talk to ya later, 'Liza! (Exits stage left)

(Eliza continues working on PC as lights dim.)

[RACHEL02189]

I love this one Veritas jumping up and down

[Veritas]

Scene 2: Criss' suite, the same day. Large, comfortable sofas circle center stage, with view of Las Vegas Strip in background. Seated are JD Sarantakos, Costa Sarantakos, George Strumpolis, Dave Baram, and assorted MindFreak Crew members. All have been waiting for Criss to show up for the planning meeting and are starting to grow impatient.

JD:

(Checks watch) What the hell is keeping him? Swear to God that guy'd be late for his own funeral!

COSTA:

He'll be here, don't worry. Probably got sidetracked by some Loyals downstairs.

(Enter Criss from stage right)

CRISS:

Sorry I'm late, guys. (Sits on sofa center stage) So, are we ready?

JD:

We've been ready for the past ten minutes, Criss. You tell us to show up at ten sharp, don't be late, and then you take your own sweet time getting here! You're turning into a diva, here, bro.

CRISS:

Hey, I said I was sorry! Don't bite my head off! I just got held up, that's all.

DAVE:

Can we just get on with the meeting here? Save the sibling rivalry for later, okay?

CRISS:

Okay, okay, fine! So, what's the first order of business?

JD:

We gotta start planning for Season Six. A&E's offering to renew our contract for at least another five episodes like Season Five. (Leans closer to Criss) Just keep in mind, Criss--you made a promise to Mom that you wouldn't do any more dangerous demonstrations. No blowing yourself up in a minefield, no car crashes, no burying yourself alive. Just play it safe, okay? You might live to see your next birthday.

CRISS:

I get it, I get it! Besides, we already got one in the can, remember? The blooper tape? And we got the homeless shelter episode to do yet. That leaves three to go. And I got a great idea for number three.

JD:

(Grumbles) Here it comes.

CRISS:

It's okay, JD. There's no pyrotechnics in this one. What I'm saying is, I wanna do Animal Three.

COSTA:

Animal Three? (Breaths a sigh of relief) Well, that's refreshing! What do you have in mind?

CRISS:

Well, I do some street magic, making some small animals appear: bugs, rats, lizards, snakes, things like that outta peoples hats or bags. I know it sounds like I'm repeating myself, but it's good filler material between demonstrations.

JD:

So far, so good. What else?

CRISS:

There's a scene where I rescue a puppy inside a sealed car. I pass through the locked car door and emerge with the puppy, saving its life. Then, at the end sequence, after the credits, I lock some actor inside that same hot car as punishment for letting that poor puppy nearly die of heat stroke inside it. It's sort of like a public safety announcement, you know?

(All nod in agreement)

COSTA:

Sounds good. I like that. What else you got?

CRISS:

Then I do an illusion with Hammie, of course: maybe a mind-reading trick or levitation. Then comes the finale. I'm in a cage full of tigers, and I vanish right in the middle of them.

JD:

Wait! Whoa! Whoa! A cage full of tigers?

CRISS:

Yeah!

JD:

Real live tigers?

CRISS:

(Sarcastically) No, I mean cuddly stuffed toy ones! Of course I mean real live tigers! I gotta put in some element of suspense in my shows! People would get bored with me if I just stuck to card tricks!

JD:

Criss, you promised--

CRISS:

I know what I promised! Compared to the last five I did, this is pretty tame, don't you think?

GEORGE:

He's got a point there, you know. We can get people to handle tigers easily.

JD:

(Sighs heavily) I just hope you know what you're doing, Criss. I dunno how we're gonna break this to Mom, but...

CRISS:

I'll handle Mom, okay? And stop being such a worrywart! I got it all under control.

JD:

Famous last words.

COSTA:

Okay, we got an idea for number three, what about number four? What's your plan for that?

CRISS:

(Buries head in hands) I dunno, I'm kinda stumped. Ever since you guys laid down the law against my demonstrations, my creativity seems to have dried up. And now, this morning I get the news from Eliza that there's a moral backlash against me for using too much profanity on TV. I was reading the reviews from TV Guide, of all places, and you know what they called me? "TV's foul-mouthed magician"! That's what they called me!

GEORGE:
But they bleep it all out, don't they? Besides, you don't use it all that often, right? I mean, you're not like the Osbournes, with every other word bleeped out, right?

CRISS:

That's what I told Eliza. But even she thinks I should watch my language. She said I was better than that. (Looks up anxiously) You guys think I'm too...potty-mouthed?

COSTA:

No more than the other guy.

JD:

(Shrugs) I've heard worse.

GEORGE:

A lot worse! We grew up in New York, remember?

JD:

Hell, I've heard Dad use a few four-letter words on occasion when he got p***ed off.

GEORGE:

Hell, I've heard my old man cuss a blue streak in both English and Greek! (Laughs)

(Criss and company smile)

JD:

I wouldn't worry too much about it, Criss. People are gonna swear no matter what the censors do or say. It's human nature.

GEORGE:

Yeah. And like I said, you're not like Ozzy Osbourne, dropping eff-bombs all over the place.

CRISS:

Except for--nah, never mind.

COSTA:

What?

CRISS:

Well, when I injured my hand after that nail gun accident, I was like George said, cussing a blue streak all the way to the ambulance.

JD:

Well, you couldn't help it, Criss. You were in a helluva lot of pain. I'd be swearing up a storm myself if I had an eight-inch nail go through my hand like that. Anybody would. Besides, they bleeped it all out when it went on the air. (Puts arm around Criss) You have nothing to be ashamed of, Criss. I'm more concerned with your personal safety than your use of expletives.

CRISS:

Yeah, maybe you're right. I gotta stop thinking about what others think of me and concentrate on my art. (Waves dismissively) Well, to hell to what TV Guide thinks of me! I am what I am, four-letter words and all.

MindFreak Technician:

(Imitating Popeye the Sailor) I yam what I yam an' that's what I yam!

(Laughter all around as lights fade)

[RACHEL02189]

Hey with the Osburone it sounded like they were sending morse code on that show

[Veritas]

Good one, Rachel!!

[Veritas]

Scene 3: The MindFreak Production office, later that day. Dimitra is sitting center stage on a couch, doing needlework, her back to the viewing window. Eliza is absent from her desk, taking a lunch break.Angela Honi, dressed plainly as usual, appears from stage right. She approaches Dimitra cautiously so as not to startle her. Dimitra looks up, sees her and smiles.

DIMITRA:

Hi, honey! Good to see you!

ANGELA:

Hello, Mrs. Sarantakos. Have you seen George around? We're supposed to go to lunch together.

DIMITRA:

No, I haven't. He's probably with Christopher. (Pats the sofa cushion beside her) Come, have a seat.

ANGELA:

(Sits down beside her on her right.) Thank you, Mrs. Sarantakos.

DIMITRA:

Oh, please, call me Dimitra. We've known each other long enough.

ANGELA:

Dimitra. That's a lovely name. I don't think I've ever heard it before.

DIMITRA:

It's common enough in Greece. My only granddaughter is named after me, you know. It's a custom to name children after their paternal grandparents--the boys after their grandfathers, the girls after their grandmothers. JD was named after his grandfather, John, though people think he was named after his father. Oh, listen to me go on and on like that! I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a babbling old woman.

ANGELA:

No, you're not. I'd like to know more about George's family. All I have left of mine is my sister, Bianca, and she's in...well, you know what happened.

DIMITRA:

How is Bianca doing, anyway?

ANGELA:

Fine, as far as I know. I haven't been to see her recently. The Clark County Detention Center allows only monthly visits from relatives, and then only for ten minutes at a time. I wish I'd used my winnings from the slot machine to bail her out, but...

DIMITRA:

But she would have turned on you again, just like she did before. (Continues with her needlework). George told me you donated it to the homeless shelter you work in. As far as I'm concerned, you put it to better use than posting bond money for your sister, Bianca. She tried to kill you before, Angela. If you had bailed her out, what would stop her from killing you again? I think her time in jail will do her good. Perhaps she'll be less self-centered when she comes out.

ANGELA:

Perhaps. (Glances at needlework) That's a pretty pattern you're making. You must really enjoy stitchery.

DIMITRA:

(Sighs) It helps pass the time.

ANGELA:

You seem rather...down. Is something wrong?

DIMITRA:

(Smiles sadly) It's nothing, really. (Lays down needlework) It's just that I really don't have much to occupy my time anymore. Years ago, I barely had enough hours in the day to tend to my children, keep house and help my husband with his restaraunt business, may God rest his soul. Now my boys are grown up; JD is married, Christopher has his career here in Las Vegas and Costa is working for him, and with John gone, I'm all alone. Even when I'm here, I hardly ever see them; they're usually off taping the show or in some sort of meeting. Don't get me wrong, they're not negligent or anything. It's just that they have their lives, and I have mine. If you can call what I have a life.

ANGELA:

Now, Dimitra, don't talk like that! I'm sure you had a rich and rewarding life raising your family, and there's still so much you can offer. (Gets an idea) Say, why don't you come and volunteer at the homeless shelter with me? We could use the help.

DIMITRA:

Me? Volunteer?

ANGELA:

Sure, why not? You could tutor, like I do, or you could help in the cafeteria. (Picks up needlework in Dimitra's lap) Or you could teach sewing classes. You know, anything to restore confidence and self-esteem to the residents. They could benefit from your lifetime of experience.

DIMITRA:

(Smiles) Well, that sounds all very well and good, honey, but I'm not going to be staying here for very long. My home is in New York. I don't know how much help I can be for such a short time.

ANGELA:

In a short time, you can change someone's life. That's what Pastor Beaman told me. And it would be a better use of your time than just sitting around while Criss and his brothers are out doing the show. So, what do you say?

DIMITRA:

Well, I'll have to think about it.

ANGELA:

Well, tomorrow's my evening literacy class. You'll let me know by then?

DIMITRA:

Of course, dear. I promise.

(A commotion from stage right startles them. Dimitra drops her needlework on the floor. Angela starts, whirling around to see Criss, JD, Costa and George horsing around, laughing as they enter from stage right. George spies Angela and scoops her up from the sofa, kissing her squarely on the lips.)

GEORGE:

How ya doin', Angie! Ready for lunch?

(Angela composes herself, straightening her hair. Meanwhile, Criss strides up to his mother's side and plunks down beside her)

CRISS:

Hello, mommy!

(Plants a big wet noisy kiss on his mother's cheek, then curls up on the sofa, lays his head on Dimitra's lap, closes his eyes, puts his thumb in his mouth and pretends to take a nap)

ANGELA:

(turns to George) Is your cousin always like that?

GEORGE:

Nah, sometimes he worse!

JD:

(Irritated) Christopher, for God's sake, act your age!

COSTA:

He is acting his age--at least mentally.

DIMITRA:

(Tousles Criss' hair) You're just a silly boy, you know that? You are just a silly little boy! (Taps Criss on temple) Now, get up.

CRISS:

(Petulantly, taking thumb out of mouth) No, I don't wanna! (Pops thumb back in mouth)

DIMITRA:

Christopher Nicholas!

(Criss removes his thumb from his mouth and rises, grumbling. JD and Costa sit down opposite Dimitra and Criss.)

GEORGE:

Well, we got a lunch date, so we'll be seeing you later. 'Bye. (Exit George and Angela, stage right)

DIMITRA:

Have fun, you two.

CRISS:

(Sidling up beside his mother) Soooo, what have you two been up to?

DIMITRA:

(Picks up needlework from floor) Oh, nothing. Just that Angela suggested I volunteer at the homeless shelter while I'm here in Vegas.

CRISS:

Why would she want you to do that?

DIMITRA:

Well, I told her that I had too much time on my hands, and with the three of you so busy, I'm pretty much left alone. So, she suggested that I spend my time here doing volunteer work at the shelter. She said it would be a better use of my time than just sitting around doing needlework while you're off doing the show.

JD:

Better than worrying yourself sick over Christopher's' stunts like you have in the past.

DIMITRA:

(Laughs) Yes! Especially that!

CRISS:

(Miffed) Hey, I thought you liked watching me do my show!

DIMITRA:

I do, honey, but the things you do...well, I can't take it anymore. For five or six years now, I've seen you throw yourself into danger again and again: setting yourself on fire, running yourself through a wood-shredder, getting run over by a steamroller, escaping through buildings being blown up--

CRISS:

Ma, you don't have to review my entire career.

DIMITRA:

It's just that I'm afraid that one day you're going to get yourself killed. I have nightmares about that, you know. I wake up in the middle of the night, shaking like a leaf after some bad dream of seeing you die in some explosion or something. I don't know if I can stand watching one more of your so-called demonstrations anymore. (Turns to face him directly) You made me a promise after that Florida escape that you would not do any more dangerous stunts, yet in your fifth season there you were, walking through a minefield and burying yourself in tons of snow and God knows what else! It's wearing me out! What are you planning to do next? Drown yourself in boiling oil or something?

CRISS:

(Laughs) No, nothing like that, Mom. In fact, I've got a more "family friendly" idea for an episode. Why don't you come to the afternoon meeting, and I'll tell you all about it, okay?

DIMITRA:

No explosions? (Criss shakes head no) No drowning or burying yourself alive?

CRISS:

No, nothing like that. You'll love it, I promise.

DIMITRA:

(Nods in satisfaction) All right, I'll come to the meeting. (Points a finger straight into Criss' face) But remember, you made a promise not to do anything too dangerous. I'm holding you to that.

CRISS:

Trust me, compared to a lot of other stuff I've done, this is pretty tame in comparison.

JD:

(Aside) If you call being locked in a cage with a bunch of man-eating tigers "tame".

DIMITRA:

What did you say, JD?

JD:

Oh, nothing, Mom. Nothing. (Claps hands together loudly) How about some lunch? I'm starved!

(All murmur and nod in agreement, then all rise and begin to exit stage right. JD and Costa remain behind for the moment)

COSTA:

What's Mom gonna say when she hears about the tiger stunt?

JD:

Does it matter? You know Criss--he is gonna go through with it, promise or no promise. That's the way he is.

COSTA:

Maybe we can schedule it while Mom's working at the shelter. Then she won't have to watch.

JD:

After watching Criss try to kill himself for five years, I just might volunteer there myself.

(Costa laughs a little, then both JD and Costa exit stage right)

[RACHEL02189]

Why is it I can actually see Criss sucking his thumb at his age

[Veritas]

Scene 4: Criss' suite, midafternoon the same day. The room is crowded. Present are Criss' brothers and mother, his cousin George, manager Dave Baram, and the MindFreak crew. A large board stage right is covered with post-it notes detailing the sequence of events for the latest episode. All eyes are on Criss, center stage, as he paces back and forth, explaining his ideas to everyone.

CRISS:

Okay, so we got the blooper tape for episode one, the homeless shelter for episode two, and now for episode three, which I call Animal Three. (Crosses to board and points out individual note as he explains) First, I do a little mind-trick with Hammie--I get three volunteers to sit in a row, and get one of them to choose a card and conceal it. I will then get Hammie to "choose" which volunteer has the card.

DAVE:

How is he gonna do that? Point a paw at them or something?

CRISS:

No, nothing like that. He'll just jump onto the person's lap, that's all.

DAVE:

And how are you gonna get Hammie to do that? Cats are notoriously hard to train, you know.

CRISS:

I'll worry about Hammie. (Continues with board) Then I go out on the street and do some animal magic--you know, pull lizards and snakes out of people's hats and handbags, things like that.

DAVE:

Sounds like you're repeating yourself. Didn't you used to do that in the first or second series?

CRISS:

Last time I used bugs, Dave. This time I'm going for bigger critters: snakes, lizards, things like that. (Turns back to the board) Then I stage a "rescue" of a puppy in a sealed car--don't worry, we won't leave it in there very long--and I pass my body through the car and come out the other side with the puppy. At the end, during the closing credits, I have an actor pose as the owner of the car locked inside as "punishment" for cruelty to animals. Think of it as a public service announcement of sorts.

DIMITRA:

(Smiles) I like that. I like that very much. It all sounds good so far.

CRISS:

And best of all, Dave here got hold of Betty White. She's gonna put in a cameo apperance with me and Hammie. Uh, you all know who she is, don't you?

JD:

Yeah, she was on the Golden Girls.

CRISS:

She's also an animal rights activist of the first order. That's why she's perfect for this episode.

DIMITRA:

It all sounds so wonderful, Christopher! I can't wait to meet Ms. White! I remember that series she was on. I enjoyed it very much. This is so much better than last season. You see, you can produce a show without all those dangerous stunts you used to do. You don't have to risk your life for your magic.

(JD and Costa shift in their seats uncomfortably. Criss turns back to the board)

CRISS:

Uh, okay, Mom. Uh, so now we come to the main demonstration. (Holds up crudely drawn diagram) It's not as bad as you think, Mom, so don't panic, okay?

DIMITRA:

What are you talking about?

CRISS:

Oh, nothing, just...me escaping from a cage full of tigers.

DIMITRA:

WHAT?!?

CRISS:

It's okay, Mom. I got it under control. There's gonna be the ASPCA guys there, and a couple of guys with tranquilizer guns. Compared to a lot of other escapes, this is pretty tame, right, guys?

JD:

Define "tame".

DIMITRA:

Christopher, you promised...!

CRISS:

I know I promised! Look, there aren't gonna be any pyrotechnics, or burying alive, or collapsing buildings, or anything like that! This episode is just gonna be me and a bunch of animals.

JD:

You inviting your friends, too? (Smiles facetiously)

CRISS:

(Gives JD a dirty look) What the hell is that supposed to mean?

JD:

C'mon, Criss, I know the guys you hang out with! Like your buddy, the Amazing Johnathan: that guy is straight out of Animal House, always flipping the bird and swearing like a sailor. Real positive role model you got there.

CRISS:

You leave my friends out of this, especially AJ! You're no saint yourself, JD! I've heard you cut loose with a few expletives yourself, you know--in both English and Greek, just like George's dad! Me? I can control my language when I have to.

JD:

Oh, really?

CRISS:

Yes, really!

JD:

I bet you couldn't go one whole day without using a single four-letter word!

CRISS:

You do, huh?

JD:

I do.

CRISS:

How much do you want to bet? (JD hesitates, pondering the offer) C'mon, JD, name your price.

JD:

If you can go through one whole day, meaning an entire twenty-four hour period, without swearing once...(thinks)...I'll...I'll wash all your cars in the Luxor carport by hand!

CRISS:

(Smiles deviously) Wearing nothing but a Speedo. Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

(George, Dave and crew laugh nervously. Dimitra is appalled)

JD:

(Pauses) Done! But if you lose, well...

CRISS:

Well, what?

JD:

(Looks smugly at Criss) Well, let's just say I'm gonna have Mom decide what to do with you.

DIMITRA:

(Indignant) Don't drag me into this!

JD:

C'mon, Mom. I think you can think of a more suitable punishment for Christopher swearing than I can. You can do anything you want with him: spend all of his money, wash his mouth out with soap, turn him over your knee, whatever. The sky's the limit. Surprise him!

CRISS:

It can't be any worse than washing my car in a Speedo.

DIMITRA:

(Sighs heavily in resignation) It's a silly bet, but...all right, I'll do it!

COSTA:

You're screwed, Criss. Mom could get you to give up magic altogether if you lose.

CRISS:

I have no intention of losing, Cos. (Turns to JD) So, are we agreed on the terms of the wager?

JD:

Agreed! (Criss and JD shake hands, then JD looks at his watch) Okay, it is now two-fifty-nine PM, so we'll begin at exactly three o'clock. You have until three PM tomorrow to refrain from swearing: no eff-bombs, no ess-words, not even a damn or a hell--unless you're referring to the actual place, of course.

CRISS:

Does that mean I can still tell someone to go to Hell?

JD:

No.

(Criss pouts. JD counts down on his watch). Five...four...three...two...one...aaaannnnnd go!

CRISS:

(Shrugs) This should be easy.

JD:

You think so, huh? I'll give you until evening.

CRISS:

We'll see about that. (Exits stage right)

GEORGE:

Where's he going?

JD:

(Shrugs) I dunno, probably the bathroom or something. So, you guys think he's gonna make it?

GEORGE:

I think he'll pull it off. I know Criss--he hates losing more than anything.

JD:

Cos?

COSTA:

I think he'll make a huge effort not to swear, then blow it at the last minute.

JD:

Dave?

DAVE:

He's determined to win, but I'm with Costa--something's gonna happen at the last minute that's gonna make him curse like a drunken sailor.

JD:

Mom?

DIMITRA:

I don't care either way. I just want this whole silly business to end. It would be nice not to hear any bad language from him for a change. Or from any of you for that matter.

JD:

Anyone else?

GEORGE:

Hey, maybe we should have a betting pool! This might be kinda fun! If Criss pulls it off, he gets the jackpot.

(JD, Costa, and crew nod and murmur in agreement. George takes a sheet of paper from Criss' notepad and draws up a grid. Everyone except Dimitra gathers around the table where George is sitting.)

Okay, JD says he'll last until evening, so we'll put him down for six o'clock. Cos, what time should we put you down for?

COSTA:

Uh, an hour before the deadline. (Tosses a bill on the table)

GEORGE:

Okay, two PM tomorrow. (Writes) Anyone else? Place your bets, gentlemen!

DAVE:

(Lays down money) Put me down for one PM tomorrow. I know he's got rehersal, and he's usually at his worst then.

(George writes it down. Other members of the crew offer up their times: nine PM, seven AM, etc., pulling out their wallets and laying down money on the table. George writes them as they come until the sheet is filled. Only Dimitra remains seated, disgusted over the whole thing. Finally, George holds up the sheet in triumph)

GEORGE:

Okay, we're all set! I'll hold onto the money until three tomorrow.

JD:

Hey, ain't you gonna place a bet yourself, George?

GEORGE:

I did. I placed Criss to win. Besides, it'd be hilarious watching you washing cars in a Speedo in front of everybody!

JD:

Hope springs eternal, cuz! 'Cause it ain't gonna happen!

GEORGE:

Only time will tell, JD. Only time will tell.

(Lights fade. Curtain. End of Act 1)


INTERMISSION

[Veritas]

v
ACT II

Scene 1: Mid-afternoon, top of Luxor parking garage. Criss is center stage, surrounded by Loyals and flanked by MindFreak techies and cameramen. Before him is a large cardboard cylinder, unassuming in itself but an object of interest to everyone present. Criss lifts up the cylinder, showing it is empty, then lowers it back onto the concrete.

CRISS:

Now, is everything been fair so far? (Everyone nods) Okay, ready? NOW!!

(Criss flings the cylinder aside. On the concrete below it is a large boa constrictor. The audience screams, backing away from the snake. Criss picks up the snake, drapes it around his shoulders and carries it around, reveling in the shocked and fearful expressions from the Loyals. Some giggle nervously, others dare to reach out and pet the snake's head.)

CRISS:

Hey, it's okay. He ain't gonna bite you.

(The Loyals watch as Criss exits, stage left with the boa. The cameramen turn to the Loyals for their points of view.)

Loyal 1:

That really freaked me out! I expected some girl or something to come out, but not some bigassed snake!

Loyal 2:

I saw that big snake, and I was, like, eeeeewwwww! Get that thing away from me!

Loyal 3:

You know that old snake-in-the-can joke? You know, you open this can and a big rubber snake jumps out? I think this is Criss' version of that.

MindFreak Technician:

Okay, everyone gather around, and on the count of three, everyone yell "MindFreak!"

(The Loyals gather in group stage right. The camera is pointed straight at them.)

MindFreak Technician:

Okay, one...two...three!

Loyals:

MINDFREAK!! YEAAAAAHHHH!

MindFreak Technician:

Okay, that's a wrap! Thanks, everybody! Enjoy your stay here in Vegas!

(Exit Loyals. Camera crew begin packing equipment. Unknown to all is that the Amazing Johnathan, Criss' friend, rival and fellow magician, has been standing among the Loyals just off camera. He remains stage right, waiting. Enter Criss, who sees AJ and crosses over to see him.)

CRISS:

Hey, AJ, what's up?

AJ:

Oh, just passing by, thought I'd drop in. What's new with you?

CRISS:

Well, I'm trying to get some new episodes taped for MindFreak. I got one in the can, and the next in production. I'm doing number three now.

AJ:

Any new demonstrations planned?

CRISS:

Yeah, but I'm not gonna tell you about 'em. You'll just have to wait and see.

AJ:

Lemme guess. You're gonna blow yourself up again.

CRISS:

Wrong!

AJ:

Bury yourself alive?

CRISS:

Nope!

AJ:

How about an underwater escape? That was always your weak point!

CRISS:

Nope, I promised Mom I wouldn't do any more dangerous demonstrations like that again.

AJ:

Ah, geez, Criss! You're such a (bleeping) Mama's boy!

CRISS:

I ain't no Mama's boy! My mom's seventy-four, for--(catches himself quickly) for pity's sake! I mean, she can't take it any more! I made her a promise, and I'm gonna keep it! (Turns stage right to leave)

AJ:

(Jeering after him) Mama's boy! Mama's boy!

CRISS:

(Turns back to face AJ) You can taunt me as long as you want, AJ, but I'm a man of my word. I mean, have you ever loved someone enough to sacrifice your own selfish pleasures for?

AJ:

Since when have you become so high and mighty all of a sudden? You never let it stop you before! Where's the Criss Angel I knew? The one who would stand in front of a speeding car and let himself be plowed into a cinderblock wall? You wimping out all of a sudden just because your mommy's too old to take it anymore?

CRISS:

If you're spoiling for a fight, AJ, you're wasting your time, so you can just--(again catches himself, thinks, then comes up with better retort) just keep on passing by until you come to an open manhole, and then drop in! (exits stage right).

AJ:

(Stands there, bewildered) What's gotten into him all of a sudden? I half-expected him to tell me to (bleep) off or something, and he gives me a lame comeback!

MindFreak Technician:

Oh, it's nothing, really. It's just that he's made a bet with his brother that he can refrain from swearing for the next twenty-four hours.

AJ:

(Perks up, very interested to hear more) Oh, really!

MindFreak Technician:

Oh, yeah. If he wins, JD has to wash all of his cars wearing a Speedo. If he loses, well, that's for his mom to decide. Knowing her, she'll have him swear off any and all stunts for good. Or maybe do what my mom used to do and wash his mouth out with soap.

AJ:

(Ponders) Hmmmm. I don't know if I prefer Criss winning or losing. Both seems pretty appealing.

MindFreak Technician:

Well, my money's on Criss blowing it around noon tomorrow. He's pretty determined to win, though. So far, he's been doing all right, but as stressful as his job is, he's gonna break sooner or later. After all, he's only human. (Exits)

AJ:

(Gleefully rubs hands together, cackling) Hoo-hoo, man! This is gonna be good! And I thought this was going to be a dull day! (Thinks) Now, let's see, what can I do to trip Criss up? It's gotta be something good, something that'll really piss him off. Hmmmmmm. (Smiles) Yeah! Oh, yeah! Perfect! Oh, God! I am a genius!

(Exits stage left. MindFreak crew continue to pack equipment, oblivious to AJ)

[RACHEL02189]

Criss better watch his back now that AJ is involved in this bet