[Imajica]

[RACHEL02189]

lmfao-:d^^

[dragonlover1]

Two werewolves and a vampire are sitting at a roadside. The werewolves are gnawing on rancid roadkill and making the vampire feel nauseous. The vampire spots a human in a suit and carrying a briefcase walking down the street.

"'Scuse me lads, goin' for a bite." The vampire rushes off and is about to attack the human when he turns back and sits down dejectedly by the werewolves.

"Why didn't you suck his blood?" the werewolves asked.

"He's a lawyer. Professional courtesy between bloodsuckers," the vampire answered. "Why not go eat him rather than that filthy rotted carcass?"

The werewolves shrug and trot over to the human. They take one sniff of him, then head back and continue to eat their carrion.

"That was fresh meat! Why'd you pass it up?" the vampire complains.

"He's going into politics," one wolf says, slurping a moldy kidney down his gullet.

The other werewolf burps, the stench of a length of bowel coming up with the belch. "Yeah, man. Some crap's too rotten for even US to eat..."

[RACHEL02189]

That was bad

[Veritas]

Sergeant to new recruit: "Well, soldier, how's the new uniform fit you?"

New recruit: "Well, sir, the jacket isn't bad, but the pants are a little loose around the armpits."

[Loyal Lady Dee]

Here's a joke I knew since I was a kid (a little corny, I know, but still!):
Once there was a lady who married four times. The first time she married a millionaire, the second time she married an actor, the third time she married a priest, and the fourth time she married an undertaker. Why did she choose these kinds of people? Because she wanted one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! (Insert groans, eye rolls, and "oh, man!"s here!)

[Veritas]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: 'Now don't be silly Dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, keep your mouth shut!'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see Officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, Dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and screams, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!?!?'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

She replies, 'Only when he's been drinking.'