08-28-2011, 10:36 PM
LAS VEGAS HAS A COW!
HOLY COW! LOCAL CHURCH BECOMES PASTURE FOR RUNAWAY CATTLE
SWAT TEAM TAKES BULL BY THE HORNS
RUNAWAY BULL MAKES HAMBURGER OUT OF LUXOR
BULLFIGHT ON THE BOULEVARD: SWAT TEAM TAKES ON HALF-TON BULL
CALIFORNIA COWS TAKE ON VEGAS
Criss stretched out in bed that morning with the daily paper, reading about the Great Las Vegas Roundup, as the media called it. According to news sources, the six cows, including the calf, making seven in all, and the bull were taken to a freightyard and shipped to Brightonville, Utah, to their original destination of the DairyMaid company; insurance took care of the damages, they stated.
There were photographs galore of the cow on Fremont Street (with Criss himself posed next to it; Bob Clarence, the former dairy farmer, was barely mentioned); the herd at Holy Trinity, with the newborn calf nursing at its mother's udder; and the missing cow found at the Cohen residence. There were more graphic photos of the bull's damage to the Luxor Atrium, Squad Car 208, Criss' Hummer, even the trailer at the truck stop where it had escaped. It seemed the whole city had gone cow crazy, he thought.
Patty Cohen's plight, featured on page four, was the only somber note in an otherwise hilarious event. Criss could understand why she wanted to keep the cow for herself and her kids. With so many people out of work and with practically no money to support their families, a cow would have been a godsend for a single mother with two young children. The police had contacted a local food pantry to aid them, which was a relief. That (bleep)hole, Royce Shavers, who had demanded a reward for the cow's capture, ended up facing a charge of assault on a police officer and taken into custody. Well, he got his reward all right, Criss thought.
He flung the paper and the bedclothes aside and got out of bed. He had rehersals scheduled for today, then his live shows. After the insanity of the day before, it would be good to get back into his normal routine of performing live, planning new demonstrations, casting, rehersing, and producing. Once at work, he could put all thoughts of cows behind him.
Showered, shaved and dressed, he gulped down a breakfast drink and left his suite, going down to the lobby. The theater was in the pyramid of the Luxor Hotel, so it was just a quick walk through some corridors between buildings. It was less conspicuous that way; he would not be distracted by roving bands of overeager fans demanding autographs or photos. He had work to do, and he had no time to play celebrity that morning.
In the lobby, there were no fans, no paparazzi, just the desk clerk taking a phone call. Criss casually made for the main passageway toward the pyramid. Outside, he could see the new plate-glass window of the main entrance glittering in the morning sun. He was amazed at the speed in which the repairs had been made; he wished his Hummer could be restored so quickly after that bull--
Criss stopped in his tracks. From inside the corridor, behind the lobby furniture and even the front desk, black-and-white cows began to emerge--or, rather, people dressed in black-and-white cow costumes began to emerge. They approached him menacingly, mooing as they came closer, their rubber udders jutting out obscenely from groin level. The desk clerk giggled nervously. Criss, however, was startled, then irritated. "Oh, for chrissakes!" he groaned. "Oh, geez! C'mon, guys! Knock it off already!"
The moos turned to laughter as the cow heads were removed, revealing Criss' own brothers, JD and Costa; his cousin, George; his consultants Gerard and Joaquin Ayela; and, of course, Carrot Top. Criss looked at them, annoyed. "Real funny, guys!" he sneered. "Really, really funny!"
The cow crew still laughed, enjoying their little joke. "You shoulda seen the expression on your face!" Gerard guffawed. "You were like--" He mimicked a shocked look, then broke down laughing again.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, whatever," Criss said irritably. "Look, I've had enough cow jokes to last a lifetime! I don't wanna hear any more about cows or bulls or whatever! I'm just gonna go to rehersal and forget all this bull(bleep)!"
"Ha! Ha!" CT jeered. "You just made a cow joke of your own, there!"
"When you said 'bull(bleep)!"
"Oh, forget you, CT!" Criss snapped. "I'm outta here!"
"What's with him all of a sudden?" George asked.
"I dunno, mad cow disease?" CT suggested.
"Will you knock it off already!" Criss shouted angrily.
"Hey, don't have a cow, man." CT said placatingly. "We're just shooting the bull!"
"Oh, Lord!" Criss groaned. "How long do I have to put up with this?"
"Hey, you know Carrot Top," JD spoke up. "He's gonna keep milking this until the cows come home!"
Criss threw up his hands in exasperation. "GAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed. "That's it! I can't take it anymore! I am out of here!"
With that, he ran out of the lobby, howling like a madman.