08-28-2011, 10:07 PM
Our top story: The Black Angus bull which had escaped from its cargo trailer has been spotted heading east down Las Vegas Boulevard. Police had cornered the animal in front of the Luxor Hotel and Resort when it attacked a squad car--
(scene of demolished police car)
--crashed through the main entrance--.
(cut to video surveillance tape of bull charging into atrium and attacking police.)
--and then turned on the police squad, injuring two officers. It then ran out of the hotel and down the Boulevard. Citizens in the area are advised to remain indoors until the bull is captured. If you see the bull, do not try to capture it or provoke it in any way, but contact local authorities as soon as possible...
"Didja hear that, dawg?" D'Wan Rollins shouted over the thumping bass to his homies as they cruised the Strip in his pimped-out Camero. "There's some big-assed bull runnin' down the street! C'n you believe that, man?"
"Hey, dawg," Kev Weste spoke up. "I heard it on the news this mornin'. Mother(bleeper) busted out of its cage or somethin' and took some cows with him. They've been lookin' for 'em all day. Found one of 'em on a golf course."
"The bull or the cows?" D'Wan asked.
"One of the cows, mofo!" Kev replied. "They ain't found the others yet."
"Think we'll be able to see it?" Rory "Peep" Armand, a skinny youth in a grey hoodie, spoke up from the back seat.
"Hey, man, they said it was on the Strip," D'Wan said. "If we keep goin', maybe we will."
"What'll we do if we do?" Kev wanted to know.
"Maybe if we capture it, we'll get a reward or somethin'!" Peep piped up eagerly.
"Oh, yeah?" D'Wan scoffed. "How the (bleep) we gonna do that?"
"You got rope?"
"Oh, yeah, like I carry rope with me all the time! What the (bleep) do I look like, some mother(bleeping) cow--"
"HEY, MAN WATCH OUT!!" Kev screamed.
The bull stood in the middle of the boulevard, right in their path. D'Wan slammed on the brakes and skidded to a halt. "(Bleep)!" he exclamed in astonishment. "Lookit the size of that mother(bleeper)!"
Kev turned back to Peep. "You still wanna capture that (bleeper)?"
"(Bleep) that, man!" Peep shouted. "Let's just get the (bleep) outta here!"
The bull began to trot toward the Camero. "Backupbackupbackupbackup!" Kev frantically pleaded with D'Wan.
"I'm tryin', dawg!" D'Wan screamed back, throwing the car into reverse. "I'm tryin'!"
The Camero careened away backward from the bull, heedless of the lamppost behind it. It collided with a sharp bump, jolting it's passengers. "Hurry up, man!" Peep shrieked hysterically. "That thing's gonna kill us!"
D'Wan shifted into drive and floored it, peeling away from the dented lamppost, tires screeching on the pavement. The bull gave chase, galloping down the boulevard with its horns lowered for the attack. Around them, other drivers cleared the road for fear of being the next target. Pedestrians fled, though a few foolhardy souls stopped to take pictures or tape the pursuit for posterity or profit. Exhausted from the chase, the bull slowed down to a walk, then halted in the middle of the road. In the Camero, Kev whipped out his cell phone to call for help.
"Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?" the operator answered mechanically.
"We got a big-assed bull chasin' us down the Strip!" Kev shouted. "And, man, is he (bleeped)!"
Special Arms and Weapons Tactics Captain John Hondo briefed his men as they rode in the black armored truck toward Las Vegas Boulevard. "Our target is a large Black Angus bull," he said loudly so as to be heard over the roar of the engine. "Weight, six hundred pounds, pair of horns that'll punch a hole in you like a bazooka round. Our orders are to try to take him down alive, but if we have to, we shoot to kill. Animal Control's gonna come by with a trailer to ship him to the train yards. This (bleeper's) already taken down a squad car and two officers, and he's just trashed a hotel lobby. Clear the area of all civilians, and bring 'im down. Copy?"
"YES, SIR!!" the SWAT team chorused.
"And if we're lucky," Captain Hondo continued in a more genial tone, "we'll all be having steak tonight!"
The team whooped and cheered at that enticing promise. "Make mine medium rare!" one young officer quipped.
"All right!" Hondo barked. "Let's stay focused! We got a job to do, so cut the bull(bleep) and get it in gear!"
The team fell silent, not daring to comment on their captain's choice of expletive. The crackle of the speaker from the driver's cab drew everyone's attention. "Murray to Captain. Murray to Captain. Do you copy?"
Hondo pressed the speaker button. "Captain here," he said. "What've you got, Murray?"
"Uh, Captain, our target is in sight," Murray said a bit nervously. "In fact, it's right in front of us."
"Stop the truck!" Hondo ordered him.
The truck rolled to a stop. "Everybody out!" Hondo shouted. "Moveitmoveitmoveit!"
With speed and precision, the SWAT team filed out of the back of the van, their high-powered rifles at the ready. One team of four ordered everyone off the street while another team of four went into firing formation in front of the bull. Captain Hondo got on his walkie-talkie. "This is Hondo. We are on eastbound Las Vegas Boulevard and A-- Street; our target is in sight. " he radioed in. "Is Animal Control on the way?"
"Affirmative," the dispatcher replied. "Animal Control is on its way, ETA five minutes, over."
Hondo lowered his walkie-talkie and raised his rifle. The bull snorted and pawed the pavement, ready to charge at the slightest provocation. The first team paired off and flanked it on either side of the street, aiming their rifles straight at the animal's sides. "One false move," Hondo muttered, "and you're USDA prime beef!"
The standoff continued for five long minutes, a near eternity to the SWAT team holding their rifles aloft. The tension was broken by the dull hum of the Animal Control van rolling to the scene, towing a steel-lated horse trailer behind it. The Black Angus heard the noise, about-faced and charged toward the van. There was a loud POP from a single rifle, then the bull jerked up on its hind legs, trotted around in a semi-circle, then stood wavering on unsteady legs as if drunk.
"It's okay, Captain!" an Animal Control officer called out to Hondo. "We just tranquilized him."
"Stand your weapons!" Hondo ordered his men.
The SWAT team lowered their rifles. Hondo crossed over to the Animal Control officer, who was busy pulling out some ropes. "Need help?" he asked.
The AC officer gave him a length of heavy rope. "Here," he said. "Loop this around his neck. Do it quick before the tranquilizer dart wears off."
"How long we got?"
"An hour, maybe. He's a big one, so it might wear off faster."
Hondo took the rope. "A bullet in the head would've been better," he commented.
The groggy bull was lassoed around the neck and pulled into the trailer with little resistance. "Come on, you son of a (bleep)!" Hondo growled at the beast as he tugged and pulled it into the steel trailer. "Get in there!"
At last, the Black Angus was safely in custody. The AC officer slammed the steel doors shut and bolted them tightly, furthur securing it with an industrial sized padlock. Hondo heaved a huge sigh of relief. "Jezuz!" he gasped. "That's a first for me! I ain't never tangled with no bull before!"
"Well, thank you for your help, Captain," the AC officer said, shaking Hondo's hand. "We truly appreciate it."
"Hey, man, no problem," Hondo said. "Just doin' my job, that's all."
"Well, your job is finished," the AC officer said. "We still got half a dozen cows to round up."
Hondo looked up. "Cows?"
"Yeah, they were shipping this bull with six Gurnsey milkers to Utah. They got out when the bull busted out of the trailer." The AC officer smiled reassuringly. "But don't worry, Captain. They aren't nearly as bad as this one in here." He jerked his thumb toward the trailer containing the still drugged bull.
"They'd better not be," Hondo retorted. "I've had enough bull for one day."