War of the Words (a play)

[Veritas]

Dramatis Personae:

Criss Angel: Star of the Luxor Hotel
JD Sarantakos: Elder brother of Criss
Costa Sarantakos: Second older brother of Criss
George Strumpolis: Cousin to Sarnatakos brothers
Angela Honi: George Strumpolis's girlfriend
Dimitra Sarantakos: Mother
Dave Baram: Criss' manager
Eliza: Criss Angel's executive assistant
Tom: Criss Angel's personal assistant
Amazing Johnathan (AJ): Rival magician
MindFreak Technician
Assorted Guests, Loyals and MindFreak crew members


ACT I:

Scene 1: The MindFreak Production office reception area. There is a chrome and steel coffee table center stage flanked by two simple couches. Behind is a large plate glass window suitable for viewing from outside. There is a desk with a computer terminal stage right. Eliza is working at the desk while Criss is sitting on the sofa stage right, reading a folded newspaper.

CRISS:

(Reads) Criss Angel brings his outrageous brand of magic to the stage in his production of Believe, a two-hour extravaganza in co-operation with Cirque de Soleil, blah, blah, blah, going far and beyond his television series, yada, yada, yada, and so on and so on. (Lowers paper) Geez! This guy must've slept through it to write something this boring!

ELIZA:

What paper is that from, anyway?

CRISS:

(Looks at banner) The Vegas Review.

ELIZA:

Oh, yeah. It's a local rag. More for tourists than anything.

CRISS:

(Picks up another magazine and flips through it) Let's see what TV Guide has to say about season five. (Reads) 'Criss Angel, A&E's foul-mouthed magician--'(Pauses) "Foul-mouthed"? What the hell are they talking about?

ELIZA:

I think you just answered your own question, there, Criss.

CRISS:

(Pauses thoughtfully) So, okay, I admit it. I use a few four-letter words every now and then, but I don't play blue like AJ. I mean, that guy's always flipping the bird at his audience. Me? I try to control my language, especially on TV, and I've never flipped off anyone on camera--besides AJ, I mean. Besides, they always bleep out the eff-bombs and all that in editing, right?

ELIZA:

(hesitates for a moment, as if afraid to speak)
Well...

CRISS:

Well, what?

ELIZA:

It's just that, well, we received some emails from some viewers--or, rather, some viewers' parents--complaining about your rather salty vocabulary, even if it was bleeped out as you said.

CRISS:

Oh, Geez!

ELIZA:

It's not just you, Criss. There's been some sort of moral backlash against the entertainment industry in general. I mean, you should hear what they had to say about The Simpsons, American Dad, and other prime-time animated programs. You got off pretty lightly compared to them. Even so, they want you to clean up your act and lay off the bleeps, at least.

CRISS:

What do you mean "at least"?

ELIZA:

Well, you know...

CRISS:

No, I don't know.

ELIZA:

They think your pictures of you with no shirt on is...inappropriate for younger viewers.

CRISS:

(Rolls his eyes) How young? Three? Four? Geez! Kids these days see more skin on daytime TV than on my show! I mean, hell, they show commercials about erectile dysfunction and birth control, and they're complaining about my language and me stripping to the waist? These people need to get a life!

(Eliza returns to her PC, embarrassed. Criss rises and goes stage right to desk)

CRISS:

You don't think I'm obscene, do you?

ELIZA:

Me? (Pauses) Well, when you get really mad you can swear up a storm, but that can happen to anybody. Still, there are times when I wish you would watch your language. I mean, I think you're brilliant and talented and all that, and there are children who look up to you, and to hear you talk the way you do sometimes, I think it sets a bad example. Don't think I'm a prude or anything. It's just that, well...you're better than that.

CRISS:

(Leans over desk, smiling) I don't think you're a prude, Eliza. And I do try to watch my language as you say, especially around kids. But, hey, it's just the way I am, you know. I grew up in New York, remember? I've been hearing that kind of language practically all my life. (Laughs) You think my language is "salty"? You should hear some construction workers downtown! I mean, those guys will turn the air dark blue when they're on the job! Hell, I'm practically a saint compared to them! (Glances at clock on desk) Oh, (bleep)! I gotta go! Talk to ya later, 'Liza! (Exits stage left)

(Eliza continues working on PC as lights dim.)

[RACHEL02189]

I love this one Veritas jumping up and down

[Veritas]

Scene 2: Criss' suite, the same day. Large, comfortable sofas circle center stage, with view of Las Vegas Strip in background. Seated are JD Sarantakos, Costa Sarantakos, George Strumpolis, Dave Baram, and assorted MindFreak Crew members. All have been waiting for Criss to show up for the planning meeting and are starting to grow impatient.

JD:

(Checks watch) What the hell is keeping him? Swear to God that guy'd be late for his own funeral!

COSTA:

He'll be here, don't worry. Probably got sidetracked by some Loyals downstairs.

(Enter Criss from stage right)

CRISS:

Sorry I'm late, guys. (Sits on sofa center stage) So, are we ready?

JD:

We've been ready for the past ten minutes, Criss. You tell us to show up at ten sharp, don't be late, and then you take your own sweet time getting here! You're turning into a diva, here, bro.

CRISS:

Hey, I said I was sorry! Don't bite my head off! I just got held up, that's all.

DAVE:

Can we just get on with the meeting here? Save the sibling rivalry for later, okay?

CRISS:

Okay, okay, fine! So, what's the first order of business?

JD:

We gotta start planning for Season Six. A&E's offering to renew our contract for at least another five episodes like Season Five. (Leans closer to Criss) Just keep in mind, Criss--you made a promise to Mom that you wouldn't do any more dangerous demonstrations. No blowing yourself up in a minefield, no car crashes, no burying yourself alive. Just play it safe, okay? You might live to see your next birthday.

CRISS:

I get it, I get it! Besides, we already got one in the can, remember? The blooper tape? And we got the homeless shelter episode to do yet. That leaves three to go. And I got a great idea for number three.

JD:

(Grumbles) Here it comes.

CRISS:

It's okay, JD. There's no pyrotechnics in this one. What I'm saying is, I wanna do Animal Three.

COSTA:

Animal Three? (Breaths a sigh of relief) Well, that's refreshing! What do you have in mind?

CRISS:

Well, I do some street magic, making some small animals appear: bugs, rats, lizards, snakes, things like that outta peoples hats or bags. I know it sounds like I'm repeating myself, but it's good filler material between demonstrations.

JD:

So far, so good. What else?

CRISS:

There's a scene where I rescue a puppy inside a sealed car. I pass through the locked car door and emerge with the puppy, saving its life. Then, at the end sequence, after the credits, I lock some actor inside that same hot car as punishment for letting that poor puppy nearly die of heat stroke inside it. It's sort of like a public safety announcement, you know?

(All nod in agreement)

COSTA:

Sounds good. I like that. What else you got?

CRISS:

Then I do an illusion with Hammie, of course: maybe a mind-reading trick or levitation. Then comes the finale. I'm in a cage full of tigers, and I vanish right in the middle of them.

JD:

Wait! Whoa! Whoa! A cage full of tigers?

CRISS:

Yeah!

JD:

Real live tigers?

CRISS:

(Sarcastically) No, I mean cuddly stuffed toy ones! Of course I mean real live tigers! I gotta put in some element of suspense in my shows! People would get bored with me if I just stuck to card tricks!

JD:

Criss, you promised--

CRISS:

I know what I promised! Compared to the last five I did, this is pretty tame, don't you think?

GEORGE:

He's got a point there, you know. We can get people to handle tigers easily.

JD:

(Sighs heavily) I just hope you know what you're doing, Criss. I dunno how we're gonna break this to Mom, but...

CRISS:

I'll handle Mom, okay? And stop being such a worrywart! I got it all under control.

JD:

Famous last words.

COSTA:

Okay, we got an idea for number three, what about number four? What's your plan for that?

CRISS:

(Buries head in hands) I dunno, I'm kinda stumped. Ever since you guys laid down the law against my demonstrations, my creativity seems to have dried up. And now, this morning I get the news from Eliza that there's a moral backlash against me for using too much profanity on TV. I was reading the reviews from TV Guide, of all places, and you know what they called me? "TV's foul-mouthed magician"! That's what they called me!

GEORGE:
But they bleep it all out, don't they? Besides, you don't use it all that often, right? I mean, you're not like the Osbournes, with every other word bleeped out, right?

CRISS:

That's what I told Eliza. But even she thinks I should watch my language. She said I was better than that. (Looks up anxiously) You guys think I'm too...potty-mouthed?

COSTA:

No more than the other guy.

JD:

(Shrugs) I've heard worse.

GEORGE:

A lot worse! We grew up in New York, remember?

JD:

Hell, I've heard Dad use a few four-letter words on occasion when he got p***ed off.

GEORGE:

Hell, I've heard my old man cuss a blue streak in both English and Greek! (Laughs)

(Criss and company smile)

JD:

I wouldn't worry too much about it, Criss. People are gonna swear no matter what the censors do or say. It's human nature.

GEORGE:

Yeah. And like I said, you're not like Ozzy Osbourne, dropping eff-bombs all over the place.

CRISS:

Except for--nah, never mind.

COSTA:

What?

CRISS:

Well, when I injured my hand after that nail gun accident, I was like George said, cussing a blue streak all the way to the ambulance.

JD:

Well, you couldn't help it, Criss. You were in a helluva lot of pain. I'd be swearing up a storm myself if I had an eight-inch nail go through my hand like that. Anybody would. Besides, they bleeped it all out when it went on the air. (Puts arm around Criss) You have nothing to be ashamed of, Criss. I'm more concerned with your personal safety than your use of expletives.

CRISS:

Yeah, maybe you're right. I gotta stop thinking about what others think of me and concentrate on my art. (Waves dismissively) Well, to hell to what TV Guide thinks of me! I am what I am, four-letter words and all.

MindFreak Technician:

(Imitating Popeye the Sailor) I yam what I yam an' that's what I yam!

(Laughter all around as lights fade)

[RACHEL02189]

Hey with the Osburone it sounded like they were sending morse code on that show:)

[Veritas]

Good one, Rachel!! :D

[Veritas]

Scene 3: The MindFreak Production office, later that day. Dimitra is sitting center stage on a couch, doing needlework, her back to the viewing window. Eliza is absent from her desk, taking a lunch break.Angela Honi, dressed plainly as usual, appears from stage right. She approaches Dimitra cautiously so as not to startle her. Dimitra looks up, sees her and smiles.

DIMITRA:

Hi, honey! Good to see you!

ANGELA:

Hello, Mrs. Sarantakos. Have you seen George around? We're supposed to go to lunch together.

DIMITRA:

No, I haven't. He's probably with Christopher. (Pats the sofa cushion beside her) Come, have a seat.

ANGELA:

(Sits down beside her on her right.) Thank you, Mrs. Sarantakos.

DIMITRA:

Oh, please, call me Dimitra. We've known each other long enough.

ANGELA:

Dimitra. That's a lovely name. I don't think I've ever heard it before.

DIMITRA:

It's common enough in Greece. My only granddaughter is named after me, you know. It's a custom to name children after their paternal grandparents--the boys after their grandfathers, the girls after their grandmothers. JD was named after his grandfather, John, though people think he was named after his father. Oh, listen to me go on and on like that! I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a babbling old woman.

ANGELA:

No, you're not. I'd like to know more about George's family. All I have left of mine is my sister, Bianca, and she's in...well, you know what happened.

DIMITRA:

How is Bianca doing, anyway?

ANGELA:

Fine, as far as I know. I haven't been to see her recently. The Clark County Detention Center allows only monthly visits from relatives, and then only for ten minutes at a time. I wish I'd used my winnings from the slot machine to bail her out, but...

DIMITRA:

But she would have turned on you again, just like she did before. (Continues with her needlework). George told me you donated it to the homeless shelter you work in. As far as I'm concerned, you put it to better use than posting bond money for your sister, Bianca. She tried to kill you before, Angela. If you had bailed her out, what would stop her from killing you again? I think her time in jail will do her good. Perhaps she'll be less self-centered when she comes out.

ANGELA:

Perhaps. (Glances at needlework) That's a pretty pattern you're making. You must really enjoy stitchery.

DIMITRA:

(Sighs) It helps pass the time.

ANGELA:

You seem rather...down. Is something wrong?

DIMITRA:

(Smiles sadly) It's nothing, really. (Lays down needlework) It's just that I really don't have much to occupy my time anymore. Years ago, I barely had enough hours in the day to tend to my children, keep house and help my husband with his restaraunt business, may God rest his soul. Now my boys are grown up; JD is married, Christopher has his career here in Las Vegas and Costa is working for him, and with John gone, I'm all alone. Even when I'm here, I hardly ever see them; they're usually off taping the show or in some sort of meeting. Don't get me wrong, they're not negligent or anything. It's just that they have their lives, and I have mine. If you can call what I have a life.

ANGELA:

Now, Dimitra, don't talk like that! I'm sure you had a rich and rewarding life raising your family, and there's still so much you can offer. (Gets an idea) Say, why don't you come and volunteer at the homeless shelter with me? We could use the help.

DIMITRA:

Me? Volunteer?

ANGELA:

Sure, why not? You could tutor, like I do, or you could help in the cafeteria. (Picks up needlework in Dimitra's lap) Or you could teach sewing classes. You know, anything to restore confidence and self-esteem to the residents. They could benefit from your lifetime of experience.

DIMITRA:

(Smiles) Well, that sounds all very well and good, honey, but I'm not going to be staying here for very long. My home is in New York. I don't know how much help I can be for such a short time.

ANGELA:

In a short time, you can change someone's life. That's what Pastor Beaman told me. And it would be a better use of your time than just sitting around while Criss and his brothers are out doing the show. So, what do you say?

DIMITRA:

Well, I'll have to think about it.

ANGELA:

Well, tomorrow's my evening literacy class. You'll let me know by then?

DIMITRA:

Of course, dear. I promise.

(A commotion from stage right startles them. Dimitra drops her needlework on the floor. Angela starts, whirling around to see Criss, JD, Costa and George horsing around, laughing as they enter from stage right. George spies Angela and scoops her up from the sofa, kissing her squarely on the lips.)

GEORGE:

How ya doin', Angie! Ready for lunch?

(Angela composes herself, straightening her hair. Meanwhile, Criss strides up to his mother's side and plunks down beside her)

CRISS:

Hello, mommy!

(Plants a big wet noisy kiss on his mother's cheek, then curls up on the sofa, lays his head on Dimitra's lap, closes his eyes, puts his thumb in his mouth and pretends to take a nap)

ANGELA:

(turns to George) Is your cousin always like that?

GEORGE:

Nah, sometimes he worse!

JD:

(Irritated) Christopher, for God's sake, act your age!

COSTA:

He is acting his age--at least mentally.

DIMITRA:

(Tousles Criss' hair) You're just a silly boy, you know that? You are just a silly little boy! (Taps Criss on temple) Now, get up.

CRISS:

(Petulantly, taking thumb out of mouth) No, I don't wanna! (Pops thumb back in mouth)

DIMITRA:

Christopher Nicholas!

(Criss removes his thumb from his mouth and rises, grumbling. JD and Costa sit down opposite Dimitra and Criss.)

GEORGE:

Well, we got a lunch date, so we'll be seeing you later. 'Bye. (Exit George and Angela, stage right)

DIMITRA:

Have fun, you two.

CRISS:

(Sidling up beside his mother) Soooo, what have you two been up to?

DIMITRA:

(Picks up needlework from floor) Oh, nothing. Just that Angela suggested I volunteer at the homeless shelter while I'm here in Vegas.

CRISS:

Why would she want you to do that?

DIMITRA:

Well, I told her that I had too much time on my hands, and with the three of you so busy, I'm pretty much left alone. So, she suggested that I spend my time here doing volunteer work at the shelter. She said it would be a better use of my time than just sitting around doing needlework while you're off doing the show.

JD:

Better than worrying yourself sick over Christopher's' stunts like you have in the past.

DIMITRA:

(Laughs) Yes! Especially that!

CRISS:

(Miffed) Hey, I thought you liked watching me do my show!

DIMITRA:

I do, honey, but the things you do...well, I can't take it anymore. For five or six years now, I've seen you throw yourself into danger again and again: setting yourself on fire, running yourself through a wood-shredder, getting run over by a steamroller, escaping through buildings being blown up--

CRISS:

Ma, you don't have to review my entire career.

DIMITRA:

It's just that I'm afraid that one day you're going to get yourself killed. I have nightmares about that, you know. I wake up in the middle of the night, shaking like a leaf after some bad dream of seeing you die in some explosion or something. I don't know if I can stand watching one more of your so-called demonstrations anymore. (Turns to face him directly) You made me a promise after that Florida escape that you would not do any more dangerous stunts, yet in your fifth season there you were, walking through a minefield and burying yourself in tons of snow and God knows what else! It's wearing me out! What are you planning to do next? Drown yourself in boiling oil or something?

CRISS:

(Laughs) No, nothing like that, Mom. In fact, I've got a more "family friendly" idea for an episode. Why don't you come to the afternoon meeting, and I'll tell you all about it, okay?

DIMITRA:

No explosions? (Criss shakes head no) No drowning or burying yourself alive?

CRISS:

No, nothing like that. You'll love it, I promise.

DIMITRA:

(Nods in satisfaction) All right, I'll come to the meeting. (Points a finger straight into Criss' face) But remember, you made a promise not to do anything too dangerous. I'm holding you to that.

CRISS:

Trust me, compared to a lot of other stuff I've done, this is pretty tame in comparison.

JD:

(Aside) If you call being locked in a cage with a bunch of man-eating tigers "tame".

DIMITRA:

What did you say, JD?

JD:

Oh, nothing, Mom. Nothing. (Claps hands together loudly) How about some lunch? I'm starved!

(All murmur and nod in agreement, then all rise and begin to exit stage right. JD and Costa remain behind for the moment)

COSTA:

What's Mom gonna say when she hears about the tiger stunt?

JD:

Does it matter? You know Criss--he is gonna go through with it, promise or no promise. That's the way he is.

COSTA:

Maybe we can schedule it while Mom's working at the shelter. Then she won't have to watch.

JD:

After watching Criss try to kill himself for five years, I just might volunteer there myself.

(Costa laughs a little, then both JD and Costa exit stage right)

[RACHEL02189]

Why is it I can actually see Criss sucking his thumb at his age :confused:

[Veritas]

Scene 4: Criss' suite, midafternoon the same day. The room is crowded. Present are Criss' brothers and mother, his cousin George, manager Dave Baram, and the MindFreak crew. A large board stage right is covered with post-it notes detailing the sequence of events for the latest episode. All eyes are on Criss, center stage, as he paces back and forth, explaining his ideas to everyone.

CRISS:

Okay, so we got the blooper tape for episode one, the homeless shelter for episode two, and now for episode three, which I call Animal Three. (Crosses to board and points out individual note as he explains) First, I do a little mind-trick with Hammie--I get three volunteers to sit in a row, and get one of them to choose a card and conceal it. I will then get Hammie to "choose" which volunteer has the card.

DAVE:

How is he gonna do that? Point a paw at them or something?

CRISS:

No, nothing like that. He'll just jump onto the person's lap, that's all.

DAVE:

And how are you gonna get Hammie to do that? Cats are notoriously hard to train, you know.

CRISS:

I'll worry about Hammie. (Continues with board) Then I go out on the street and do some animal magic--you know, pull lizards and snakes out of people's hats and handbags, things like that.

DAVE:

Sounds like you're repeating yourself. Didn't you used to do that in the first or second series?

CRISS:

Last time I used bugs, Dave. This time I'm going for bigger critters: snakes, lizards, things like that. (Turns back to the board) Then I stage a "rescue" of a puppy in a sealed car--don't worry, we won't leave it in there very long--and I pass my body through the car and come out the other side with the puppy. At the end, during the closing credits, I have an actor pose as the owner of the car locked inside as "punishment" for cruelty to animals. Think of it as a public service announcement of sorts.

DIMITRA:

(Smiles) I like that. I like that very much. It all sounds good so far.

CRISS:

And best of all, Dave here got hold of Betty White. She's gonna put in a cameo apperance with me and Hammie. Uh, you all know who she is, don't you?

JD:

Yeah, she was on the Golden Girls.

CRISS:

She's also an animal rights activist of the first order. That's why she's perfect for this episode.

DIMITRA:

It all sounds so wonderful, Christopher! I can't wait to meet Ms. White! I remember that series she was on. I enjoyed it very much. This is so much better than last season. You see, you can produce a show without all those dangerous stunts you used to do. You don't have to risk your life for your magic.

(JD and Costa shift in their seats uncomfortably. Criss turns back to the board)

CRISS:

Uh, okay, Mom. Uh, so now we come to the main demonstration. (Holds up crudely drawn diagram) It's not as bad as you think, Mom, so don't panic, okay?

DIMITRA:

What are you talking about?

CRISS:

Oh, nothing, just...me escaping from a cage full of tigers.

DIMITRA:

WHAT?!?

CRISS:

It's okay, Mom. I got it under control. There's gonna be the ASPCA guys there, and a couple of guys with tranquilizer guns. Compared to a lot of other escapes, this is pretty tame, right, guys?

JD:

Define "tame".

DIMITRA:

Christopher, you promised...!

CRISS:

I know I promised! Look, there aren't gonna be any pyrotechnics, or burying alive, or collapsing buildings, or anything like that! This episode is just gonna be me and a bunch of animals.

JD:

You inviting your friends, too? (Smiles facetiously)

CRISS:

(Gives JD a dirty look) What the hell is that supposed to mean?

JD:

C'mon, Criss, I know the guys you hang out with! Like your buddy, the Amazing Johnathan: that guy is straight out of Animal House, always flipping the bird and swearing like a sailor. Real positive role model you got there.

CRISS:

You leave my friends out of this, especially AJ! You're no saint yourself, JD! I've heard you cut loose with a few expletives yourself, you know--in both English and Greek, just like George's dad! Me? I can control my language when I have to.

JD:

Oh, really?

CRISS:

Yes, really!

JD:

I bet you couldn't go one whole day without using a single four-letter word!

CRISS:

You do, huh?

JD:

I do.

CRISS:

How much do you want to bet? (JD hesitates, pondering the offer) C'mon, JD, name your price.

JD:

If you can go through one whole day, meaning an entire twenty-four hour period, without swearing once...(thinks)...I'll...I'll wash all your cars in the Luxor carport by hand!

CRISS:

(Smiles deviously) Wearing nothing but a Speedo. Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

(George, Dave and crew laugh nervously. Dimitra is appalled)

JD:

(Pauses) Done! But if you lose, well...

CRISS:

Well, what?

JD:

(Looks smugly at Criss) Well, let's just say I'm gonna have Mom decide what to do with you.

DIMITRA:

(Indignant) Don't drag me into this!

JD:

C'mon, Mom. I think you can think of a more suitable punishment for Christopher swearing than I can. You can do anything you want with him: spend all of his money, wash his mouth out with soap, turn him over your knee, whatever. The sky's the limit. Surprise him!

CRISS:

It can't be any worse than washing my car in a Speedo.

DIMITRA:

(Sighs heavily in resignation) It's a silly bet, but...all right, I'll do it!

COSTA:

You're screwed, Criss. Mom could get you to give up magic altogether if you lose.

CRISS:

I have no intention of losing, Cos. (Turns to JD) So, are we agreed on the terms of the wager?

JD:

Agreed! (Criss and JD shake hands, then JD looks at his watch) Okay, it is now two-fifty-nine PM, so we'll begin at exactly three o'clock. You have until three PM tomorrow to refrain from swearing: no eff-bombs, no ess-words, not even a damn or a hell--unless you're referring to the actual place, of course.

CRISS:

Does that mean I can still tell someone to go to Hell?

JD:

No.

(Criss pouts. JD counts down on his watch). Five...four...three...two...one...aaaannnnnd go!

CRISS:

(Shrugs) This should be easy.

JD:

You think so, huh? I'll give you until evening.

CRISS:

We'll see about that. (Exits stage right)

GEORGE:

Where's he going?

JD:

(Shrugs) I dunno, probably the bathroom or something. So, you guys think he's gonna make it?

GEORGE:

I think he'll pull it off. I know Criss--he hates losing more than anything.

JD:

Cos?

COSTA:

I think he'll make a huge effort not to swear, then blow it at the last minute.

JD:

Dave?

DAVE:

He's determined to win, but I'm with Costa--something's gonna happen at the last minute that's gonna make him curse like a drunken sailor.

JD:

Mom?

DIMITRA:

I don't care either way. I just want this whole silly business to end. It would be nice not to hear any bad language from him for a change. Or from any of you for that matter.

JD:

Anyone else?

GEORGE:

Hey, maybe we should have a betting pool! This might be kinda fun! If Criss pulls it off, he gets the jackpot.

(JD, Costa, and crew nod and murmur in agreement. George takes a sheet of paper from Criss' notepad and draws up a grid. Everyone except Dimitra gathers around the table where George is sitting.)

Okay, JD says he'll last until evening, so we'll put him down for six o'clock. Cos, what time should we put you down for?

COSTA:

Uh, an hour before the deadline. (Tosses a bill on the table)

GEORGE:

Okay, two PM tomorrow. (Writes) Anyone else? Place your bets, gentlemen!

DAVE:

(Lays down money) Put me down for one PM tomorrow. I know he's got rehersal, and he's usually at his worst then.

(George writes it down. Other members of the crew offer up their times: nine PM, seven AM, etc., pulling out their wallets and laying down money on the table. George writes them as they come until the sheet is filled. Only Dimitra remains seated, disgusted over the whole thing. Finally, George holds up the sheet in triumph)

GEORGE:

Okay, we're all set! I'll hold onto the money until three tomorrow.

JD:

Hey, ain't you gonna place a bet yourself, George?

GEORGE:

I did. I placed Criss to win. Besides, it'd be hilarious watching you washing cars in a Speedo in front of everybody!

JD:

Hope springs eternal, cuz! 'Cause it ain't gonna happen!

GEORGE:

Only time will tell, JD. Only time will tell.

(Lights fade. Curtain. End of Act 1)


INTERMISSION

[Veritas]

v
ACT II

Scene 1: Mid-afternoon, top of Luxor parking garage. Criss is center stage, surrounded by Loyals and flanked by MindFreak techies and cameramen. Before him is a large cardboard cylinder, unassuming in itself but an object of interest to everyone present. Criss lifts up the cylinder, showing it is empty, then lowers it back onto the concrete.

CRISS:

Now, is everything been fair so far? (Everyone nods) Okay, ready? NOW!!

(Criss flings the cylinder aside. On the concrete below it is a large boa constrictor. The audience screams, backing away from the snake. Criss picks up the snake, drapes it around his shoulders and carries it around, reveling in the shocked and fearful expressions from the Loyals. Some giggle nervously, others dare to reach out and pet the snake's head.)

CRISS:

Hey, it's okay. He ain't gonna bite you.

(The Loyals watch as Criss exits, stage left with the boa. The cameramen turn to the Loyals for their points of view.)

Loyal 1:

That really freaked me out! I expected some girl or something to come out, but not some bigassed snake!

Loyal 2:

I saw that big snake, and I was, like, eeeeewwwww! Get that thing away from me!

Loyal 3:

You know that old snake-in-the-can joke? You know, you open this can and a big rubber snake jumps out? I think this is Criss' version of that.

MindFreak Technician:

Okay, everyone gather around, and on the count of three, everyone yell "MindFreak!"

(The Loyals gather in group stage right. The camera is pointed straight at them.)

MindFreak Technician:

Okay, one...two...three!

Loyals:

MINDFREAK!! YEAAAAAHHHH!

MindFreak Technician:

Okay, that's a wrap! Thanks, everybody! Enjoy your stay here in Vegas!

(Exit Loyals. Camera crew begin packing equipment. Unknown to all is that the Amazing Johnathan, Criss' friend, rival and fellow magician, has been standing among the Loyals just off camera. He remains stage right, waiting. Enter Criss, who sees AJ and crosses over to see him.)

CRISS:

Hey, AJ, what's up?

AJ:

Oh, just passing by, thought I'd drop in. What's new with you?

CRISS:

Well, I'm trying to get some new episodes taped for MindFreak. I got one in the can, and the next in production. I'm doing number three now.

AJ:

Any new demonstrations planned?

CRISS:

Yeah, but I'm not gonna tell you about 'em. You'll just have to wait and see.

AJ:

Lemme guess. You're gonna blow yourself up again.

CRISS:

Wrong!

AJ:

Bury yourself alive?

CRISS:

Nope!

AJ:

How about an underwater escape? That was always your weak point!

CRISS:

Nope, I promised Mom I wouldn't do any more dangerous demonstrations like that again.

AJ:

Ah, geez, Criss! You're such a (bleeping) Mama's boy!

CRISS:

I ain't no Mama's boy! My mom's seventy-four, for--(catches himself quickly) for pity's sake! I mean, she can't take it any more! I made her a promise, and I'm gonna keep it! (Turns stage right to leave)

AJ:

(Jeering after him) Mama's boy! Mama's boy!

CRISS:

(Turns back to face AJ) You can taunt me as long as you want, AJ, but I'm a man of my word. I mean, have you ever loved someone enough to sacrifice your own selfish pleasures for?

AJ:

Since when have you become so high and mighty all of a sudden? You never let it stop you before! Where's the Criss Angel I knew? The one who would stand in front of a speeding car and let himself be plowed into a cinderblock wall? You wimping out all of a sudden just because your mommy's too old to take it anymore?

CRISS:

If you're spoiling for a fight, AJ, you're wasting your time, so you can just--(again catches himself, thinks, then comes up with better retort) just keep on passing by until you come to an open manhole, and then drop in! (exits stage right).

AJ:

(Stands there, bewildered) What's gotten into him all of a sudden? I half-expected him to tell me to (bleep) off or something, and he gives me a lame comeback!

MindFreak Technician:

Oh, it's nothing, really. It's just that he's made a bet with his brother that he can refrain from swearing for the next twenty-four hours.

AJ:

(Perks up, very interested to hear more) Oh, really!

MindFreak Technician:

Oh, yeah. If he wins, JD has to wash all of his cars wearing a Speedo. If he loses, well, that's for his mom to decide. Knowing her, she'll have him swear off any and all stunts for good. Or maybe do what my mom used to do and wash his mouth out with soap.

AJ:

(Ponders) Hmmmm. I don't know if I prefer Criss winning or losing. Both seems pretty appealing.

MindFreak Technician:

Well, my money's on Criss blowing it around noon tomorrow. He's pretty determined to win, though. So far, he's been doing all right, but as stressful as his job is, he's gonna break sooner or later. After all, he's only human. (Exits)

AJ:

(Gleefully rubs hands together, cackling) Hoo-hoo, man! This is gonna be good! And I thought this was going to be a dull day! (Thinks) Now, let's see, what can I do to trip Criss up? It's gotta be something good, something that'll really piss him off. Hmmmmmm. (Smiles) Yeah! Oh, yeah! Perfect! Oh, God! I am a genius!

(Exits stage left. MindFreak crew continue to pack equipment, oblivious to AJ)

[RACHEL02189]

Criss better watch his back now that AJ is involved in this bet

[Veritas]

Scene 2: MindFreak Production office, next morning. Eliza is at her desk, typing at her PC. Tom, Criss' personal assistant, is sorting through the day's mail at an adjacent desk.

TOM:

You heard the latest about Criss?

ELIZA:

What?

TOM:

He made a bet with his brother, JD, that he could go without swearing for twenty-four hours. How do you like that?

ELIZA:

I think I'll find it a rather refreshing twenty-four hours. How's he doing, anyway?

TOM:

So far, not even a single eff-bomb. He's holding out pretty well. (Holds up an official looking envelope) Bet this will send him into a cussing streak, though.

ELIZA:

What is it?

TOM:

(Shakes head) No, no, no, I'm not gonna tell you. I'm gonna let it be a surprise.

(Enter Criss)

CRISS:

You gonna let what be a surprise?

TOM:

Now if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, now, would it? (Smiles mischieviously)

CRISS:

Okay, fine, have it your way. I know you're trying to get me to lose my bet to JD, but it ain't gonna work. (To Eliza) I got rehersal today, okay? Just take messages; I don't want to be disturbed unless it's an emergency.

ELIZA:

Got it.

CRISS:

(To Tom) Anything good in the mail today?

TOM:

Just the usual--bills, invoices, insurance statements, things like that. (Holds up envelope) Oh, here's something I think you should read, like, right now.

CRISS:

(Takes the envelope and reads the return address) Clark County District Court? What do they want? (Opens the envelope, takes out letter and reads it) JURY DUTY?!? Oh, my--(stops himself quickly). I mean, I don't have time for jury duty!

TOM:

Great save there, Criss, but you're still under legal obligation to serve, just like the rest of us. You're not exempt just because you're a celebrity. If you don't show up, you get busted for contempt.

CRISS:

(Sighs in resignation) Okay, fine. (Turns to Eliza) Clear my schedule for (looks at notice)the twelfth of next month, okay?

ELIZA:

Got it.

CRISS:

(Back to Tom) And I intend to win this bet, Tom, no matter what. And when it's over, I am so going to enjoy watching JD wash my cars in a Speedo! Bye-bye! (Exits)

ELIZA:

Wash his car in a Speedo?

TOM:

Yeah, that's what's gonna happen if Criss wins the bet. JD is going to wash all of his cars in the carport in a Speedo.

ELIZA:

Couldn't they just make a cash bet like normal people here in Vegas?

TOM:

Nah, that's boring! Anyone can bet money. It takes guts to make a bet like that one.

ELIZA:

What happens if Criss loses?

TOM:

That's for his mom to decide. God knows what she'll come up with.

ELIZA:

If I was his mom, I'd wash his mouth out with soap!

TOM:

That'd be interesting to watch.

ELIZA:

So how long does Criss have to keep his mouth under control?

TOM:

(Looks at watch) About six more hours.

ELIZA:

He'll make it, don't worry.

TOM:

I'm not worried about him not making it. I'm worried about losing the betting pool we got.

ELIZA:

You bet against him?

TOM:

Hey, c'mon...

ELIZA:

How could you? Where's your loyalty?

TOM:

'Liza, it's just a friendly little bet, that's all. We know Criss better than you. He can't hold out much longer. As stressful as his career is, he's gonna break down sooner or later. (Rises from desk) Look, I gotta go, okay? Take care.

(Eliza returns to her PC, miffed. Tom exits stage right. AJ emerges from the shadows from where he was hiding, but still out of Eliza's range of sight)

AJ:

(Aside) Damn! Not even jury duty could get Criss to blow it! I mean, I was at the club last night, watching his every move, and he didn't use one single four-letter word! And he's usually turning the air blue when he's had too much to drink. Come to think of it, he didn't even drink that much, and he left early, which is unusual for him. I couldn't trip him up, no matter how I tried. (Thinks) Well, I got six more hours to get him to blow it. Looks like it's time for Plan B. (Exits).

[RACHEL02189]

Are you serious who would start dropping f-bombs because they got called to jury duty.

[Veritas]

Are you serious who would start dropping f-bombs because they got called to jury duty?

Dearie, you'd be surprised.

***************************


Scene 3: A large, empty room, midmorning. Two MindFreak techies are setting up a bucket over the door so that it will fall when the door opens. George, JD, Costa and the rest of the crew watch in amusement.

GEORGE:

Guys, this is one of the oldest gags in the book!

Techie 1:

Hey, we've tried everything else: hid his cell phone, made bogus emergencies, told him that some stuff he ordered got lost, you name it. Something's gotta push his buttons.

GEORGE:

It ain't gonna work, guys! Criss is stronger than you think. Besides, he knows you're baiting him. He's determined to win no matter what. A bucket of water ain't gonna trip him up.

Techie 1:

First of all, it ain't water, it's flour. (Looks out of door) Okay, here he comes! (Runs across stage with second Techie) Got the camera ready? Wait for it...wait for it....

(Enter Criss, opening door)

CRISS:

Hey, guys, what's--

(The bucket of flour tumbles from the door ledge, dumping its contents onto Criss.There are muffled coughs and splutters from under the bucket while everyone laughs. Criss remains still for a few moments, then slowly lifts the bucket from his head. He is covered with white flour, which makes everyone laugh harder. He calmly brushes the flour from his hair and wipes his face with the bandana he carries in his back pocket.)

CRISS:

(Smiling, laughing a little) Funny, guys, real funny. I mean, this is so juvenile, even for you guys! I know you're trying to get me to swear, but it ain't gonna happen. I still got four hours left, and I'm gonna win no matter what you try to do to me.

JD:

(To Costa) You have to admire his determination.

(Costa nods. JD crosses over to Criss and helps brush the flour from him.Criss nods his thanks and faces his crew)

CRISS:

Okay, everybody, now that we've had our little laugh, let's get to work here, all right? JD, are we set for taping Animal Three?

JD:

So far, we got five tigers rented from Circus Circus, but we have to tape it there because of insurance regulations. They're their tigers, and transporting them anywhere else is gonna constitute a public hazard, as they put it.

CRISS:

Okay, fine, we tape the demonstration at Circus Circus. No problem.

JD:

And if you're gonna do that puppy rescue, you gotta have someone from the ASPCA present to make sure no harm comes to it.

CRISS:

Got it. By the way, how much to rent the tigers?

JD:

About one million dollars.

CRISS:

ONE MILLION DOLLARS?!?

JD:

Well, that's what they said, one million dollars for three days' shooting.

CRISS:

What the--(stops himself quickly when he sees JD's suspicious smile) Oh, I get it! Uh, uh, bro! No way!

JD:

(Snaps his fingers in disappointment) Damn! I almost had you there, didn't I?

CRISS:

Nice try, JD! Now, how much for the tigers, really.

JD:

Twenty-five grand, total. And we gotta have the ASPCA present, too.

CRISS:

Okay, fine. Now, how soon can we start taping?

JD:

The tigers will be available around the middle of next month or so, the twelfth at the latest.

CRISS:

The twelfth of next month--got it. (Suddenly remembers) Oh, sh...shoot!

JD:

Almost blew it there, Criss! What's the matter?

CRISS:

Well, I hate to tell you this, but I got a letter from the Clark County District Court this morning saying on that day I got to report for jury duty.

JD and COSTA:

Jury duty?

CRISS:

Yeah, ain't that a kick in the...butt? I'm gonna try to get out of it, though, so it won't interfere with the shooting schedule. Maybe I can get an exemption, somehow. I mean, I'm booked solid for months--I don't have time to serve on a jury.

JD:

Criss, come over here for a minute, willya?

(JD takes Criss aside, stage left) Lemme tell you something. When I was about, umm, half the age I am now, back in New York, I got called into jury duty. Of course, I wasn't too thrilled about it, and I racked my brains trying to come up with a good enough excuse to get out of it. Well, I told Dad about it, and you know what he said to me?

CRISS:

What?

JD:

He said, "Son, my parents and your mother's whole family came here to America from Greece for one reason--to escape the terror we endured from two world wars and the civil war that followed, just so we could live. You're lucky you grew up without the worry of where your next meal was coming from, or the fear that you or your family members wouldn't suddenly disappear to a concentration camp, or that every day would be your last on earth. You've never heard a bomb dropped in your backyard, or faced food shortages, or had to walk past blown-up buildings. You've had a good life because America's been good to you, to all of us. Don't you think it's time you returned the favor?"

CRISS:

(Deeply moved) Wow! That's deep! So, what'd you do?

JD:

Went to the courthouse, reported for jury duty like I was supposed to, sat down in the waiting room--

CRISS:

And?

JD:

And waited all (bleeping) day for my number to come up! (Criss laughs a little) I never get called, but I got fifteen dollars out of it plus mileage, so it wasn't a total loss. (Seriously) But the point I'm making is that you may be a big celebrity and all that, but you are first an American citizen, and it's your civic duty to report for jury duty when they call you.

CRISS:

So, you're saying I should go.

JD:

I am insisting you go. You're not exempt, Christopher. You're lucky you live in a country that allows you to do all the crazy stuff you do. Like Dad said, it's time you returned the favor. (Smiles and shrugs) Besides, they might not even call you. And you get paid for the time plus mileage.

CRISS:

(Twirls finger in the air sarcastically) Whoopee! Fifteen bucks to sit in some courtroom waiting for my number to be called.

JD:

I think it's twenty-five now--at least in New York. I'm not sure about here in Nevada. (Criss shrugs) So, whaddya say? You still think you're too busy to perform your civic duty?

CRISS:

(Shakes head) No, I'll go. It's an inconvenience, but, hey, maybe I'll get lucky and get dismissed or something.

JD:

(Pats Criss on the shoulder) Atta boy! Now, come on, let's get back to work.

(JD and Criss return to center stage)

COSTA:

So, what was all that about?

CRISS:

Just a reminder that I owe Uncle Sam a favor, that's all.

COSTA:

Huh?

CRISS:

Never mind, let's get back to work.

(Lights flicker and go out, leaving the stage in darkness save for a few overhead lights. Everyone looks around, bewildered)

CRISS:

Hey, who turned out the lights? George? Anyone? Hey, somebody turn them back on, okay?

GEORGE:

Nobody's touched the lights. Probably tripped the circuit breaker or something. I'll go check the circuit box. Wait here. (Exits stage right)

CRISS:

(Grumbles) Yeah, like we got anywhere else to go.

COSTA:

Temper, temper.

CRISS:

I'm not losing my temper, Cos! Hey, it's not the first time we've blown a fuse. You know, stuff happens.

JD:

You were about to say (bleep) happens, weren't you?

CRISS:

I told you I can control my language. By the way, what time is it?

JD:

(Checks his watch) About eleven-thirty.

CRISS:

So I've got three and a half hours to go. (Leans over to JD) And you're going down, bro! You are so going down!

JD:

Like Yogi Berra said, it ain't over 'til it's over!

COSTA:

Hey, let's get a drink while we're waiting for the lights to come on. It's hot in here!

(Everyone agrees and exits stage left. AJ emerges from stage right)

AJ:

This guy is one tough nut to crack! I thought for sure shutting off the lights would piss him off, but he just keeps blowing it off. They even dumped a bucket of flour on him, and still nothing! And even jury duty didn't faze him! (Thinks) Or did it? Hmmmmm. He said he got the notice this morning, so that means his assistant what's-his-name got the letter first. Maybe he'd know if Criss blew his stack when he got it! I don't know if the guy's in on it, but I'm sure he'd know for sure how he reacted when he got the summons. I'm gonna go to his office and find out. If he didn't swear then, well, he will be when I get through with him! And I got three and a half hours to do it. Not much time, but anything can happen between now and then. (Exits)

[RACHEL02189]

Do these guys know AJ is involved in this mess

[Veritas]

Scene 4: MindFreak Production Office, afternoon. Eliza is at her usual desk behind the PC, while JD, Costa, George, Dave Baram, and Tom are seated in the waiting area. George holds the betting pool sheet, crossing off those who lost. JD checks his watch and sighs heavily.

JD:

An hour and a half to go. I can't believe he made it this far! We pulled prank after prank on him and he still didn't crack! Gotta admit, he's got more stamina than we took him for.

GEORGE:

(Looks up from sheet) Sorry, JD, but it looks like you blew it. So did everyone else on the sheet except Costa and me. You're out ten bucks, I'm afraid.

JD:

Well, I may have lost the pool, but I haven't lost the bet! He's gotta go another ninety minutes before he can claim victory. It ain't over 'til it's over. (Costa suppresses a laugh, but JD notices) What are you laughing at?

COSTA:

Oh, nothing, except the thought of you in a Speedo washing Criss' cars.

JD:

Well, it ain't gonna happen, so you might as well stop thinking about it!

COSTA:

(Still suppressing his laughter) I can't help it! It's just too damn funny to think about!

AJ:

(Enters from stage right, carrying a plain cardboard carton sealed with tape, and peers through doorway) Hey, guys.

JD:

Oh, hey, AJ, how's it going?

AJ:

Is Criss around?

JD:

He'll be here in a few. Have a seat. (AJ sits down on sofa with the box on his lap. JD looks at it curiously) So, what's in the box?

AJ:

(Casually) Oh, this? Oh, nothing, just something I need to give to Criss, that's all.

JD:

You could just leave it with Tom over there. You don't need to wait for him.

AJ:

No, no, it's okay. It's better that I give it to him personally.

(JD shrugs and drops the matter. AJ drums his fingers idly on the box. Enter Criss from stage right)

CRISS:

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. (Sees AJ) Oh, hi, AJ! Surprised to see you here.

AJ:

Hey, Criss, how's it going?

CRISS:

Good, good. So, what brings you here to the office?

AJ:

(Rises) Well, I got a confession to make. Y'see, I found out about that little bet you got with your brother here, and so I tried to trip you up last night at the club to get you to lose--

CRISS:

Okay.

AJ:

--and then I was where you were rehersing, and I was the one who turned out the lights.

CRISS:

(Laughs a little) That was you?

AJ:

Yeah, that was me. Gotta admit, you really kept your cool under the circumstances. And I heard about your jury duty--tough break, but you handled it pretty well. I mean, (bleep), I'd have been dropping eff-bombs all over the place if I got called in! But don't sweat it--you're too high-profile to serve on a jury, so they'll drop you faster than a hot coal! The courts don't want the jurors to be more famous than the defendant, you know. Distracts people from the case.

CRISS:

Well, thanks, AJ, but I still gotta serve no matter what. It's my civic duty and all that. And thanks for coming clean about the lights. It was no big deal, really--I've blown a few fuses before. And you're just in time to see me in my moment of triumph! I got an hour and a half to go before I win my bet with JD! Wanna stick around and watch him wash my cars in a Speedo?

AJ:

(Looks nervously at JD) Uh, no thanks. But I got something here for you. (Holds out box)

CRISS:

For me? (Takes box from AJ and looks at it curiously) Well, it ain't my birthday, 'cause that's next month. What's the occasion?

AJ:

Oh, just think of it as an early birthday present. A party in a box, if you will.

CRISS:

A party in a box? Hmmmm. (Takes out knife from pocket, slits the packing tape sealing the box, pulls the flaps up. A loud noisemaker blares, confetti and spring-loaded snakes spew from the box, hitting Criss in the face. Eliza shrieks and jumps from her seat behind the desk, while everyone else is laughing out loud. Criss is doubled over in shock, panting)

CRISS:

Whoa! Oh, my God! Holy (bleep), AJ! You scared the (bleep) out of me! What the hell were you trying to do, anyway, give me a (bleeping) heart attack?

COSTA:

Uh, Criss?

CRISS:

Real funny, AJ! Really, really funny!

COSTA:

Uh, Criss?

CRISS:

(Turns to Costa angrily) WHAT!?

COSTA:

Hate to tell you this, but I think you just lost your bet.

CRISS:

(stops, thinks about what he just said, then turns on AJ) YOU SON OF A (BLEEP)! YOU MADE ME LOSE!! I WAS THIS CLOSE TO WINNING AND YOU MADE ME BLOW IT!! I AM SO GONNA KICK YOUR (BLEEPING) ASS FOR THIS!!

(Criss reaches over and strangles AJ. Meanwhile, George hands Costa a handful of bills)

GEORGE:

You win, Cos. Congratulations.

COSTA:

(Takes money) Thanks.

(JD breaks up the fight between Criss and AJ) Okay, break it up, break it up! (Separates the two, keeping each at arm's length. Turns to AJ) Okay, AJ, that was a pretty dirty trick you pulled on Criss there. You deliberatly set him up for a fall. Just for that, I'm not gonna claim the victory on this. (Turns to Criss) Criss, you held out for almost the whole time, almost twenty-three hours--

GEORGE:

(Looks at watch) Twenty-three hours, forty minutes and eighteen seconds to be exact.

JD:

Whatever. Anyway, I gotta hand it to you. You really did manage to watch your language during that time. So, whaddya say we call it a draw, huh?

CRISS:

(Thinks about it) No, JD. (JD stares at him, perplexed) I agreed to go the whole distance, the full twenty-four hours, or nothing. I would have made it if not for AJ here. So, I'm gonna turn myself over to Mom for whatever punishment she has in mind for me.

AJ:

Wait a minute, wait a minute! You're letting your mom decide?

CRISS:

Yeah, that was the wager. If I lost, Mom gets to decide what to do with me, right JD? (JD nods)

AJ:

God! Whatta bunch of (bleeping) mama's boys! Lettin' your mommy wipe your asses for you! My God, guys, be a man! You gonna spend the rest of your (bleeping) lives doin' what Mommy tells you to do! Show some (bleeping) backbone, why dontcha?

(Enter Dimitra and Angela from stage right. Dimitra steps up quietly behind AJ and stands behind him while he rants. The others notice, but say nothing.)

AJ:

What is it with you guys, anyway? What is it, a Greek thing? Huh? Look, I know a lot of ethnic groups have a mother fixation, but you guys take the baklava! If I were you, I'd tell your little mommykins to kiss off instead of running home to her to let her change your (bleeping) diaper! She ain't got no right to boss you around like that! What's the worst thing she can do to you, take you over her knee and spank you? She's just a little old lady, for chrissakes! She weighs about ninety pounds soaking wet! I could throw her over my shoulder with one arm! Why the (bleep) should you be afraid of a weak, helpless, little old lady who--(notices the smug look on Criss' face) She's right behind me, isn't she?

(Criss nods. AJ turns to face Dimitra. He stares at her, embarrassed, for a few moments, then smiles nervously)

AJ:

Uh, hi. (Gestures desperatly) Y'see, Mrs. D, it's like this...

DIMITRA:

(Silences him with an upraised hand) I've heard enough already, Johnathan. I'll deal with you later. (Crosses over to Criss) I'm sorry you lost your bet with JD, Christopher, but don't feel bad. It was a relief for me not to hear such dirty words from you. I hope this teaches you that you don't have to use bad language all the time. There are better words to express how you feel than the four-letter ones. (Smiles) And I'm glad I don't have to watch JD wash your cars naked.

CRISS:

He wouldn't have been naked, Mom, he would have been wearing a Speedo.

DIMITRA:

It still would have been embarrassing for me to watch.

JD:

Embarrassing for you? What about me? I would've been the one out there in public wearing a Speedo!

DIMITRA:

Anyway, I'm just glad all this nonsense is over.

CRISS:

It's not over yet, Mom. I still have to fulfill my part of the bet. (Faces her squarely) So, what's my punishment? I'll do anything you want--let you borrow my car, take you out to dinner, whatever.

DIMITRA:

(Thinks for a moment) There is one thing I want you to do...or, rather, what I don't want you to do.

CRISS:

Name it. Your wish is my command.

DIMITRA:

I want you to give up that tiger-cage escape you were planning.

CRISS:

(Taken aback) Give up the tiger-cage demonstration? (Dimitra nods) But I had it all planned out! What am I gonna do for a demonstration for Animal Three?

DIMITRA:

You are a good magician, you'll think of something. I trust you.

CRISS:

(Sighs) Okay, Mom, if that's what you want.

(Dimitra smiles happily and reaches up to hug and kiss Criss)

DIMITRA:

Thank you, Christopher! You've made me very happy!

AJ:

(Irritated) Wait a minute, just hold on a sec! You mean that's it? No spanking, no extortion, no nothin', just give up his act? What the hell's wrong with you, lady? I'd have taken him for all he's got! Jeezus Krrist! Dontcha' know nothin' about bets?

DIMITRA:

(Irate) I've had enough out of you, young man! (Siezes AJ by the earlobe and drags him off stage right) You think I'm a weak old woman, do you?

AJ:

Owwwwwww! Owwwwwww! Hey, leggo! That hurts! Criss! Call off your ma, willya?

DIMITRA:

You think my sons are mama's boys, do you? I show you who's a mama's boy!

(Dimitra pulls a howling AJ off stage. Everyone laughs. Criss follows them. Angela crosses over to George, who takes her in his arms)

ANGELA:

So, how was your day?

GEORGE:

Good. Lost sixty bucks, but oh, well.

ANGELA:

What do you think your aunt's going to do with your friend over there?

GEORGE:

First of all, he ain't my friend, he's Criss'. And second of all...well, I don't have the slightest idea.

(Criss returns, laughing)

JD:

So, what happened?

CRISS:

(Still laughing) Mom's washing AJ's mouth out with soap!

(Nervous laughter. JD remains nonplussed)

JD:

Somehow, that doesn't surprise me.

CRISS:

Yeah, well, it coulda been worse.

JD:

How?

CRISS:

It coulda been me!

(JD concedes the point with a grimace. Enter Dimitra with a self-satisfied air)

DIMITRA:

Well, that should teach Johnathan a lesson! At least some respect for "weak, helpless little old ladies".

CRISS:

(Puts arm around her shoulder) I never said you were weak or helpless, Mom. (Kisses her) I love you.

DIMITRA:

I love you, too, Christopher.

CRISS:

I love you more. (Releases her) So, what brings you here to the office?

DIMITRA:

Well, I just wanted to tell everyone that I am volunteering at the homeless shelter three days a week while I'm here.

CRISS:

Cool! (Turns to JD and Costa, who nod in agreement) So, what will you be doing there, anyway?

DIMITRA:

They put me wherever I am needed that day. Of course I can't do any heavy lifting, but...

GEORGE:

Hey, Auntie, you got heavy lifting? Call me!

DIMITRA:

Oh, bless you, George!

CRISS:

(Suddenly remembers) Hey, we're gonna be taping an episode for the show there! We can help!

DIMITRA:

That would be wonderful!

CRISS:

Sure! Just put our asses to work! We'll haul whatever (bleep)--

DIMITRA:

Christopher!

CRISS:

What? (Remembers what he just said) Oh, right! Well, you know what I mean, Mom.

DIMITRA:

I know. But you'd better watch your language when you're at the shelter--Father Stefan and Pastor Beaman won't like it.

CRISS:

Duly noted.

(Enter AJ, sputtering and wiping his mouth with a handful of paper towels)

AJ:

Ugh! Ack! Eccch! Oh, God! What the hell did you have to do that for, Dimitra?

DIMITRA:

You just answered your own question, Johnathan.

CRISS:

It's what you get for dissing my mom, AJ. You can do what you want with me, but you show Mom here some respect. Got it?

AJ:

I got it! I got it! My bad, okay, Mrs. D? (Exits, still wiping his mouth) Geez!

DIMITRA:

Thank you.

CRISS:

(Turns to JD, Costa, George, and Tom) Well, now that the tiger escape is scrapped, we gotta think of something else. Any ideas?

COSTA:

You're the creative brains of this outfit, Criss. You think of something.

CRISS:

We'll discuss this at the meeting tomorrow, okay? Meanwhile, we got work to do. (Turns to Dimitra) Sorry we got to run, Mom, but we got a show to do. Catch you later. Have fun volunteering! (Criss, JD, Costa, George and Tom exit)

DIMITRA:

So long, boys! I love you! (Watches as the men leave, then turns to Angela with a sigh) You see how it is, Angela? They have their lives, I have mine.

ANGELA:

It's all right, Dimitra. We can spend the afternoon together. We can go see a show, or go shopping, or whatever you want to do.

DIMITRA:

(Smiles) I think you're going to fit in well in this family, Angela.

ANGELA:

(Taken aback by such a statement) Well, that's a little...premature, don't you think? I-I mean, George and I just met.

DIMITRA:

Sorry, I don't mean to be presumptuous, but I have a good feeling about you, honey. George likes you very much. In fact, I think he loves you very much.

ANGELA:

I never thought I'd be saying this, but...I love George, too. I never thought I would ever fall in love with a man, or one would fall in love with a shy, skinny schoolteacher like me. But it happened. I look in his eyes, and I see love there.

DIMITRA:

Love. Hm! That is one four-letter word I never tire of hearing!

(Angela and Dimitra laugh as they exit. Only Eliza is left on stage. She shuts off the PC, rises from her desk, turns out the lights, and exits. The office is now dark and empty as the curtain falls)

(END)
************************************************** *************

We hope you enjoyed our show. You will find the exits at the rear and to the sides of the theater. Remember to claim your coats in the cloakroom in the lobby. Thank you for your patronage.

[RACHEL02189]

See what happens when you insult Criss's mom. AJ deserved to have his mouth washed out with soap.