Joke of the Day

[loyaljojo]

Have a good clean joke? (presumable forum rule,, ) post a way. Let's make someone smile today. :D

Found this:


*** FROM A DOG’S DIARY ***

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE !
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE !
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!



*** FROM A CAT’S DIARY ***

DAY 752

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair … must try this on their bed.

DAY 765

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call “beer …” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time …



http://i1135.photobucket.com/albums/m636/jbrohit/site_image/funny-cat-.jpg

[Veritas]

This has been going around the internet:

(Neutrino: a particle that travels faster than the speed of light)

The bartender says, "Hey! We don't serve anything faster than light speed in this bar!"

A neutrino walks into a bar.

[RACHEL02189]

Why was the nail so unhappy

THE CARPENTER KEPT KILLING IT ON THE HEAD



I got a lot more if you want to read them

[Veritas]

A woman walks into a motel lobby on a rainy night and asks for a room.

"Sorry," says the desk clerk, "but I just gave our last room to that gentleman over there." He points to a man carrying a suitcase about to go down the hall.

In desperation, the woman goes to the man and says, "Listen.
I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us and we don't know them, so could you let me stay in your room for the night. I'll sleep on the floor so I won't bother you."

The man thinks about it and says, "Well, since I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us and we don't know them, I guess it would be okay."

The woman gratefully follows the man to his room. He gives her a pillow and a blanket, climbs into bed, and turns out the light to sleep.

Around midnight, the floor got to be a bit uncomfortable, so the woman goes over to the man, wakes him up and says, "Listen, I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us and we don't know them, so how about letting me sleep beside you in bed for the rest of the night."

The man thinks about it and says, "Well, since I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us and we don't know them, I guess it'll be all right."

So the woman climbs into bed, and the man turns out the light to go to sleep.

Around two thirty AM, the woman wakes up the man again and says, "Listen, I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us and we don't know them, so how about we have a little 'party' of our own, huh?"

The man turns on the light, sits up and yells, "Listen, lady! I don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us and we don't know them, so who the (bleep) are we going to invite?!"

[loyaljojo]

Driving with the wife...

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road.
A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! (The man gives wife dirty look.)
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.)
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk." :D

[RACHEL02189]

THERE WERE THESE TWO BUDDIES WALKING THEIR DOGS, ONE WITH A DOBERMAN AND THE OTHER WITH A CHIHUAHUA, WHEN THEY THEY SMELLED SOMETHING DELICIOUS COMING FROM A NEARBY RESTAURANT.

THE GUY WITH THE DOBERMAN SAYS TO HIS FRIEND, "LET'S GO OVER TO THAT RESTAURANT AND GET SOMETHING TO EAT." tHE GUY WITH THE CHIHUAHUA SAYS, "WE CAN'T GO IN THERE. WE'VE GOT DOGS WITH US."

THE BUDDY WITH THE DOBERMAN SAYS TO HIS FRIEND. "JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD." HE PUTS ON A PAIR OF DARK GLASSES AND WALKS INTO THE RESTAURANT, WHEN THE RESTAURANT OWNER COMES UP AND SAYS, "SORRY PAL, NO PETS ALLOWED."

THE MAN WITH THE DOBERMAN REPLIES, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THIS IS MY SEEING EYE DOG." THE OWNER SKEPTICAL, SAYS "A DOBERMAN PINSCHER?"

THE DOBERMAN'S OWNER SAYS, "YES, THEY'RE USING THEM NOW-THEY'RE VERY GOOD AND THEY PROTECT ME FROM ROBBERS, TOO.". THE MAN AT THE DAOOR SAYS, "COME ON IN". WHEN THE MAN WITH THE CHIHUAHUA SEES THIS, HE PUTS ON A PAIR OF DARK GLASSES AND STARTS TO WALK IN. ONCE AGAIN THE RESTAURANT OWNER SAYS, "SORRY PAL, NO PETS ALLOWED.".

THE GUY WITH THE CHIHUAHUA SAYS, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THIS IS MY SEEING EYE DOG." "A CHIHUAHUA?" SAYS THE OWNER. THE MAN WITH THE DOG REPLIES, "A CHIHUAHUA? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!"

[LoyalSamy]

his one I heard in a TV show ;)

A man went away on a trip, and he left his cat with his brother. And the man used to call every night to see how the cat was. So one night he calls, he says " How's my cat?" and the brother said " The cat got hit by a car and died." And the man got furious because he explained the news so bluntly. So the brother said " How should I have told you?" The man said " Well when I called, you should have said the cats on the roof, and we cant get it down. Then the next day when I called, you should have said the cat fell off the roof, but the vet is patching it up. And then the third day when I called you could have said the cat passed away. And that way I would have been prepared for it, dont you see? The brother apologized for being so thoughtless. The man said "okay, okay.. by the way, how's mom?" The brother said " Mom's on the roof and we cant get her down" ;)

[RACHEL02189]

Here's one out of a joke book i have

A frog went to a bank to apply for a loan. Patty stack, the woman in charge of loans, asked if had anythiny to leave for collateral. "Don't worry," she said. "When you pay the loan, we'll return it to you." he showed her a small porcelain statue and said, "this is what i have. It is a family herloom and it's very special to me"

she took it to the bank president and said, "there's a frog out tere who wants a loan, and this is what he gave me as proof that we can trust him, buti don't know what it is. Should i give him the money?"

the bank president said, "why that's a knickknack, patty stack, give that frog a loan."

[Veritas]

There was a Russian man named Rudolf who lived with his wife in a suburb of Moscow. One day Rudolf looked out the window of the apartment and said, "It's raining."

His wife looked out and said, "Nyet, it's sleeting."

"Nyet, dushenka, it's raining," Rudolf insisted.

"How can you be so sure?" his wife asked.

"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear," he replied.

[Imajica]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
_____________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
______________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

[Imajica]

http://official.crissangel.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=43&pictureid=267

[RACHEL02189]

lmfao-:d^^

[dragonlover1]

Two werewolves and a vampire are sitting at a roadside. The werewolves are gnawing on rancid roadkill and making the vampire feel nauseous. The vampire spots a human in a suit and carrying a briefcase walking down the street.

"'Scuse me lads, goin' for a bite." The vampire rushes off and is about to attack the human when he turns back and sits down dejectedly by the werewolves.

"Why didn't you suck his blood?" the werewolves asked.

"He's a lawyer. Professional courtesy between bloodsuckers," the vampire answered. "Why not go eat him rather than that filthy rotted carcass?"

The werewolves shrug and trot over to the human. They take one sniff of him, then head back and continue to eat their carrion.

"That was fresh meat! Why'd you pass it up?" the vampire complains.

"He's going into politics," one wolf says, slurping a moldy kidney down his gullet.

The other werewolf burps, the stench of a length of bowel coming up with the belch. "Yeah, man. Some crap's too rotten for even US to eat..."

[RACHEL02189]

That was bad

[Veritas]

Sergeant to new recruit: "Well, soldier, how's the new uniform fit you?"

New recruit: "Well, sir, the jacket isn't bad, but the pants are a little loose around the armpits."

[Loyal Lady Dee]

Here's a joke I knew since I was a kid (a little corny, I know, but still!):
Once there was a lady who married four times. The first time she married a millionaire, the second time she married an actor, the third time she married a priest, and the fourth time she married an undertaker. Why did she choose these kinds of people? Because she wanted one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! (Insert groans, eye rolls, and "oh, man!"s here!)

[Veritas]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: 'Now don't be silly Dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, keep your mouth shut!'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see Officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, Dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and screams, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!?!?'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

She replies, 'Only when he's been drinking.'